I was in a bit of a stall since my last post. They happen. Doesn't mean they are not frustrating as hell,. Doesn't mean that you start thinking really strange thoughts or start panicking that this may be it - maybe THIS is all the weight I'm going to lose. When stalls do happen, I just keep on doing what I've been doing. I don't go calorie-crazy and start eating more. I don't stop working out. I just stay the course. Eventually my body catches on that even if it has a little tantrum I'm not going to give in. This stall lasted from November 20th to today. This was a long one. I hope I can have a nice run until my next one.
I survived Thanksgiving. It was hard, however. It's really difficult to see all the amazing comfort foods you have grown to love and then after 4 bites, you're done. Not with that one item...but done with the meal. White Turkey doesn't go down very well - it's dry and I'm not a gravy lover. Stuffing was awesome but not really the protein-packed item I'm supposed to eat much of. My other favorite - Sweet Potatoes - is also a carb...so I was pretty limited in what I could eat. I had a good workout that morning so I didn't feel guilty for what I did eat. Instead of pie, I made some coffee and had a yummy mug of that. It worked out.
I can run 20 minutes straight now. I had been running at the end of my workouts but yesterday I switched it up and after a 15 minute warm-up walking, I started to jog just to see how long I could go. I made it 20 minutes and I swear I could have gone longer but I also wanted to walk today without pain. I'm truly amazed I made it that long. Even as it was happening, I was amazed that my body was just doing what it was doing - no side ache, no burning lungs, no ankle or knee pain. I found a groove and just ran. Now, it wasn't fast by any means. In fact, I could probably almost walk as fast as I was running but that's not important. The fact is that I ran. And I'm proud of that.
I have 10 pair of pants that I can send off to the consignment store as they will never fit anymore. I attended my husband's holiday party for work on Friday night and felt like a million bucks. I looked good and I felt amazing. I ran into two folks I hadn't seen in a while on Sunday and both couldn't get over how 'amazing' I look. DAMN that feels good!!! I still don't see it the same way other people do. I don't look in the mirror and see the new me. I see the old me with the same gross areas that bothered me before. However in clothes, I am liking what I see more and more. I still box at 9 Round at least once a week and I can tell that I'm getting stronger there too - and the trainers who work there always comment on how I'm doing. That also feels good.
Again, I'm so very thankful to have had this opportunity. I have my 6 month follow-up appointment next week and will update with my current stats then. I really wanted to hit the 100 pound mark by then but the stall is going to prevent that from happening. It's ok. Whether I hit that milestone in 10 days or not, I'll hit it and I will celebrate. I've come a long way!!!
Monday, December 7, 2015
Friday, November 20, 2015
21 1/2 Weeks Post-Op - WOW.
Guys. I ran. I was finishing up a treadmill workout last night - I typically do 65 minutes on the treadmill at 3.4 mph with the incline set at 5%. Then after about 25 minutes, I start playing with the incline and I'll do 5 minutes at 10%, 5 minutes at 15%, 5 minutes back at 10%...and then I'll drop back to 5% and carry 5 pound hand weights. It's a good workout. Makes me sweat and I can feel it in my quads and gluts the next day.
I rewarded myself with a new TV in my workout area - I got a little Smart TV that has wi-fi so I can watch Netflix while I workout. The previous TV was OK but we couldn't connect it to cable so I was watching DVD's of Sex and the City while working out and since they're only 22 minutes long, I was getting on and off the treadmill 3 times per workout to hit "Play" again. Annoying. Anyways, the new TV came out of the box, I hopped on the treadmill and gave it 55 minutes and then thought - "let's see what happens". I bumped the speed up to 4.3 mph and started to jog. Not fast, not pretty but it happened. I wanted to see if I could go 5 minutes straight, no stopping, no slowing down. I KILLED IT. I totally did it!! And it wasn't bad!! I mean, I don't know if I'll ever classify myself as a RUNNER, but I did it...and I'll do it again.
I hit a nice little goal overnight too. As of today, I weigh less than I did when I met my husband. I also weigh less than I did when I conceived my oldest son. That puts me at 95 pounds lost since my heaviest weight ever and 75 pounds lost since the day of surgery. I'm almost overwhelmed that it's THAT much weight.
Man, I write this a lot but it feels so good to be successful at this weight loss game. I spent so much of my life being discouraged and depressed about not being able to lose weight or not being able to stick with a diet. I absolutely feel blessed that I had the opportunity to have a Roux-en-Y surgery covered by insurance. I know I never would have had this success without the help of surgery. Yes, it's work. I have a hacking cough that would have been a wonderful excuse to skip a workout last night...but I really wanted to see the scales number drop this morning and that meant making time for the treadmill. Yes, Thanksgiving is coming up and I would love to eat everything my heart desires but I do NOT want to pay the consequences so I have no choice but to be good. I love that. Cheating is not an option. There is no more justification for my actions necessary - it's not possible to not be good. Such an amazing feeling!!
I rewarded myself with a new TV in my workout area - I got a little Smart TV that has wi-fi so I can watch Netflix while I workout. The previous TV was OK but we couldn't connect it to cable so I was watching DVD's of Sex and the City while working out and since they're only 22 minutes long, I was getting on and off the treadmill 3 times per workout to hit "Play" again. Annoying. Anyways, the new TV came out of the box, I hopped on the treadmill and gave it 55 minutes and then thought - "let's see what happens". I bumped the speed up to 4.3 mph and started to jog. Not fast, not pretty but it happened. I wanted to see if I could go 5 minutes straight, no stopping, no slowing down. I KILLED IT. I totally did it!! And it wasn't bad!! I mean, I don't know if I'll ever classify myself as a RUNNER, but I did it...and I'll do it again.
I hit a nice little goal overnight too. As of today, I weigh less than I did when I met my husband. I also weigh less than I did when I conceived my oldest son. That puts me at 95 pounds lost since my heaviest weight ever and 75 pounds lost since the day of surgery. I'm almost overwhelmed that it's THAT much weight.
Man, I write this a lot but it feels so good to be successful at this weight loss game. I spent so much of my life being discouraged and depressed about not being able to lose weight or not being able to stick with a diet. I absolutely feel blessed that I had the opportunity to have a Roux-en-Y surgery covered by insurance. I know I never would have had this success without the help of surgery. Yes, it's work. I have a hacking cough that would have been a wonderful excuse to skip a workout last night...but I really wanted to see the scales number drop this morning and that meant making time for the treadmill. Yes, Thanksgiving is coming up and I would love to eat everything my heart desires but I do NOT want to pay the consequences so I have no choice but to be good. I love that. Cheating is not an option. There is no more justification for my actions necessary - it's not possible to not be good. Such an amazing feeling!!
Thursday, November 12, 2015
20 Weeks Post Op - Look good feel good
I can now wear 'normal' pants. The pants in this photo - the pants I have on today - are size 18. Not from the Plus section. Just 18's. And the sweater was from Costco - and they don't sell Plus sizes at Costco.
This may not seem like a big deal but to me, it's a very big deal. I will never shop at a Lane Bryant again. Ever.
Is an 18 my goal? Nope...but it's a gigantic step and proof that I AM losing weight.
And just for the record, I look much better in clothes that fit. I've been so hesitant to buy anything new because the old clothes (sizes 24, 22 and 20) "fit". No, they don't fit...they're way too big...but with a belt and some creative undergarments, they work. Well I took a leap and bought some new clothes on sale at Penny's for work - these pants included. I also got a 'treat' from my mom which included a couple more pairs of pants and a couple sweaters. So, this weekend I'm going to once again purge and pack up the clothes I've shrunk out of and send them over to the consignment store. I will not need them - why hang on to them?
My neck is defined. I don't have a double chin anymore. I have cheek bones that don't need contouring to pop out. I have a collar bone that is visible. I'm winning at this!!!! Seriously - I'm having success!!! How cool is that???
I have 65 pounds to go to my first goal weight and 75 pounds to go to my stretch goal. And I cannot wait to see what size that puts me at or what it will feel like in a body that size. Do I miss food? Yup...still - daily - some days hourly. But I wouldn't trade this feeling of PRIDE for anything.
Monday, November 2, 2015
19 Weeks Post-Op - More love for Weekends
I love weekends. Aside from the not having to be at work part, I am loving weekends for the fact that I lose more weight on the weekends than I do during the week. Like, significantly more. I can lose 3-4 pounds between Saturday morning to Monday morning. I think this is due to a little combination of things.
1. I get a little more sleep on the weekends. Not much, as my kids wake up at pretty much the same time whether it's Saturday or Tuesday, but probably an additional 30-45 minutes.
2. I don't have as scheduled of a day - I leisurely drink my coffee in the morning. I don't force a lunch break - I grab a bite here and there as I need it.
3. I drink water all day long. Not just in meetings when I think about it. 4. I rarely stop moving during the day - I'm jockeying laundry, I'm running to Costco, SuperTarget, Home Depot, wherever my life needs me to go. In between those errands, I'm running around my house cleaning up after the kids or cleaning areas that need attention.
4. I nap. I take a 2 hour nap with my two little kids every Saturday and typically every Sunday too. I love it. It's my little indulgence to myself. We all get cozy in our big bed and fall asleep all cuddled up. Believe it or not, there is not nearly as big of a fight to take a nap if Mom takes one with you.
5. I work out. Hard. For 65-75 minutes. Walking on the treadmill at an incline. Now I've added hand weights to that as well in 5 minute intervals. I drip. I feel like I'm going to die. And it's Awesome.
I am very close to two milestones - and they are only a few pounds apart. As of today, I now weigh what I weighed when I met Phil's family at Thanksgiving in 2007. I had been doing SlimGenics and weighing in three times a week, so I remember my weights clearly. This means I'm 12 pounds away from weighing what I weighed when Phil and I met. 8 years ago. After that, it will be 6 more pounds until I've lost 100 pounds. I really want to hit the 100 pound mark by Christmas so I have some work ahead of me...but I am loving workouts right now and the eating part is now second nature. I just wish my love for water would be as strong as it was before surgery.
I get so full so fast from water and I really want to just chug it but that causes extreme pain. It's something I need to devote focus on - sit with my water bottle in my hand and open and basically look at a clock and sip every minute or so. I do love adding Lipton Lemon Iced Tea concentrate to my water but I can't seem to find the flavor I like anymore...so here I am.
Sill happy? Yup. Ecstatic. I continue to be amazed at my success and I'm so very thankful to have had the positive journey.
1. I get a little more sleep on the weekends. Not much, as my kids wake up at pretty much the same time whether it's Saturday or Tuesday, but probably an additional 30-45 minutes.
2. I don't have as scheduled of a day - I leisurely drink my coffee in the morning. I don't force a lunch break - I grab a bite here and there as I need it.
3. I drink water all day long. Not just in meetings when I think about it. 4. I rarely stop moving during the day - I'm jockeying laundry, I'm running to Costco, SuperTarget, Home Depot, wherever my life needs me to go. In between those errands, I'm running around my house cleaning up after the kids or cleaning areas that need attention.
4. I nap. I take a 2 hour nap with my two little kids every Saturday and typically every Sunday too. I love it. It's my little indulgence to myself. We all get cozy in our big bed and fall asleep all cuddled up. Believe it or not, there is not nearly as big of a fight to take a nap if Mom takes one with you.
5. I work out. Hard. For 65-75 minutes. Walking on the treadmill at an incline. Now I've added hand weights to that as well in 5 minute intervals. I drip. I feel like I'm going to die. And it's Awesome.
I am very close to two milestones - and they are only a few pounds apart. As of today, I now weigh what I weighed when I met Phil's family at Thanksgiving in 2007. I had been doing SlimGenics and weighing in three times a week, so I remember my weights clearly. This means I'm 12 pounds away from weighing what I weighed when Phil and I met. 8 years ago. After that, it will be 6 more pounds until I've lost 100 pounds. I really want to hit the 100 pound mark by Christmas so I have some work ahead of me...but I am loving workouts right now and the eating part is now second nature. I just wish my love for water would be as strong as it was before surgery.
I get so full so fast from water and I really want to just chug it but that causes extreme pain. It's something I need to devote focus on - sit with my water bottle in my hand and open and basically look at a clock and sip every minute or so. I do love adding Lipton Lemon Iced Tea concentrate to my water but I can't seem to find the flavor I like anymore...so here I am.
Sill happy? Yup. Ecstatic. I continue to be amazed at my success and I'm so very thankful to have had the positive journey.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
18 Weeks Post-Op
I'm really, REALLY thankful for this journey. I truely believe I never would have been able to be a successful dieter without my RNY surgery. I feel extremely lucky to have had a positive experience with the entire process start to now. So please take this with a grain of salt - it's all good stuff...
All my clothes fit weird.
The butt is saggy. They're all too long. If I go down a size, the waist is tighter and I get a muffin top. Not a look I particularly enjoy. I know that it's a matter of weeks before I'm down another 10 pounds and the next size down isn't that far away but man, I'm tired of looking like a frump!!
I'm also cold much of the time and I know that's only going to get worse as the fat on my body comes off. I'm willing to deal with this one.
I want to buy cute clothes...I'm dying to, actually...but not knowing where I'll end up size-wise, I'm reluctant to purchase anything too nice or thing about things too long term.
All that being said - man, it's fun to have a long lean neck. It's so nice that folks are actually noticing that I'm smaller than I was. Church is where I get the majority of the compliments from folks that don't see me daily - and that's really fun. Supportive and loving comments about how great I look is a great reminder that yes, I am doing something good for myself and yes, it's paying off.
I am also falling more and more in love with working out. I wish my life had the amount of time I would need to workout to my hearts content but right now, I get about an hour 4-5 times a week. I am stronger. I am faster. It's not that hard anymore - it's just enjoyable. It feels GOOD to sweat!!
Life sure has changed in the past 4 months. I'm so so SO happy to be on this side of the change!!!
All my clothes fit weird.
The butt is saggy. They're all too long. If I go down a size, the waist is tighter and I get a muffin top. Not a look I particularly enjoy. I know that it's a matter of weeks before I'm down another 10 pounds and the next size down isn't that far away but man, I'm tired of looking like a frump!!
I'm also cold much of the time and I know that's only going to get worse as the fat on my body comes off. I'm willing to deal with this one.
I want to buy cute clothes...I'm dying to, actually...but not knowing where I'll end up size-wise, I'm reluctant to purchase anything too nice or thing about things too long term.
All that being said - man, it's fun to have a long lean neck. It's so nice that folks are actually noticing that I'm smaller than I was. Church is where I get the majority of the compliments from folks that don't see me daily - and that's really fun. Supportive and loving comments about how great I look is a great reminder that yes, I am doing something good for myself and yes, it's paying off.
I am also falling more and more in love with working out. I wish my life had the amount of time I would need to workout to my hearts content but right now, I get about an hour 4-5 times a week. I am stronger. I am faster. It's not that hard anymore - it's just enjoyable. It feels GOOD to sweat!!
Life sure has changed in the past 4 months. I'm so so SO happy to be on this side of the change!!!
Monday, October 19, 2015
17 Weeks Post-Op
I haven't written in a while and I have no excuses. This could end up being a lengthy post.
I have lost 58 pounds since surgery and 78 since pre-op liquid diet.
We were in Cape Cod, MA from Tuesday until Saturday and I didn't have a scale the entire time. This was very strange for me. I've weighed myself every single morning for the past year with very few exceptions so to have no scale and be really actively working on losing was strange. Happy to say that even though I was in a bit of a stall when we left, I managed to lose almost 6 pounds. I'll take that!! I continued to log everything I ate in Myfitnesspal. We walked a ton. Kept up on my water. I stocked the rental cottage with Greek yogurt, string cheese, some deli ham, and chose my meals wisely. Even got to enjoy some lobster. Pretty cool indeed.
The flights to the Cape were interesting as well. Not only do I not need a seatbelt extender, but I have room in an airplane seat to actually cross my legs!! I could also wrestle with my 2 and 4 year old to get them belted in without having to remove my own safety belt. I could also carry the carry-on, my purse AND a child at the same time without being winded at all. I could walk up the aisle of the plane and not feel like my hips were hitting people in the face. I put my tray table down and it actually came all the way down. All of these are huge wins. I love to travel and the absolute uncomfortable nature of being a large person in an airplane hindered that. SO very happy to report that this is no longer an issue!!!!
Also, my collarbone is now visible. It's much more pronounced on the right than the left but it's there. I know...it's another one of those things that probably a normal-sized person doesn't think twice about but an overweight person can obsess over. My neck and decollete area is starting to look like a thin person's. And it's a big deal to me.
I can also wear clothes that are not in plus size. Phil bought me a hoodie on vacation and it's a normal Large. Not multiple 'X'. Also, I bought a yoga top a month or so ago that was adorable and on sale thinking "someday" and someday came yesterday. It didn't look perfect but it fit fine.
I'm continually amazed that this is working.
I do continue to miss food. I don't deprive myself...I log everything, even if I'm not proud of a choice...but I do miss food. We grilled steaks last night - they were amazing. I took two bites and I couldn't eat anymore. Not for any other reason. It tasted amazing. The texture was fine. The moisture was there. It was cooked a perfect medium rare. I just couldn't get more than a couple bites to feel good down there and that's enough to make me stop. It's a good thing - it means I'm following the rules and listening to my body, which will help me in the long run. But sitting there with my family who were all raving at how awesome the steak was and not being able to enjoy it was a bummer. There was left overs. I'll try again tonight.
I think my next 'treat' to myself is going to be a new TV for my workout area in our basement. I have an elliptical and a treadmill but the TV I use while working out has seen better days. Now that flat screens have come down so much in price, it'd be nice to have another incentive to workout with. We'll see.
That's all I got - still working at it...and it's still working...and I'm still in awe.
I have lost 58 pounds since surgery and 78 since pre-op liquid diet.
We were in Cape Cod, MA from Tuesday until Saturday and I didn't have a scale the entire time. This was very strange for me. I've weighed myself every single morning for the past year with very few exceptions so to have no scale and be really actively working on losing was strange. Happy to say that even though I was in a bit of a stall when we left, I managed to lose almost 6 pounds. I'll take that!! I continued to log everything I ate in Myfitnesspal. We walked a ton. Kept up on my water. I stocked the rental cottage with Greek yogurt, string cheese, some deli ham, and chose my meals wisely. Even got to enjoy some lobster. Pretty cool indeed.
The flights to the Cape were interesting as well. Not only do I not need a seatbelt extender, but I have room in an airplane seat to actually cross my legs!! I could also wrestle with my 2 and 4 year old to get them belted in without having to remove my own safety belt. I could also carry the carry-on, my purse AND a child at the same time without being winded at all. I could walk up the aisle of the plane and not feel like my hips were hitting people in the face. I put my tray table down and it actually came all the way down. All of these are huge wins. I love to travel and the absolute uncomfortable nature of being a large person in an airplane hindered that. SO very happy to report that this is no longer an issue!!!!
Also, my collarbone is now visible. It's much more pronounced on the right than the left but it's there. I know...it's another one of those things that probably a normal-sized person doesn't think twice about but an overweight person can obsess over. My neck and decollete area is starting to look like a thin person's. And it's a big deal to me.
I can also wear clothes that are not in plus size. Phil bought me a hoodie on vacation and it's a normal Large. Not multiple 'X'. Also, I bought a yoga top a month or so ago that was adorable and on sale thinking "someday" and someday came yesterday. It didn't look perfect but it fit fine.
I'm continually amazed that this is working.
I do continue to miss food. I don't deprive myself...I log everything, even if I'm not proud of a choice...but I do miss food. We grilled steaks last night - they were amazing. I took two bites and I couldn't eat anymore. Not for any other reason. It tasted amazing. The texture was fine. The moisture was there. It was cooked a perfect medium rare. I just couldn't get more than a couple bites to feel good down there and that's enough to make me stop. It's a good thing - it means I'm following the rules and listening to my body, which will help me in the long run. But sitting there with my family who were all raving at how awesome the steak was and not being able to enjoy it was a bummer. There was left overs. I'll try again tonight.
I think my next 'treat' to myself is going to be a new TV for my workout area in our basement. I have an elliptical and a treadmill but the TV I use while working out has seen better days. Now that flat screens have come down so much in price, it'd be nice to have another incentive to workout with. We'll see.
That's all I got - still working at it...and it's still working...and I'm still in awe.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
14 Weeks Post-Op
I skipped a post last week because really, there's not much to write about.
I'm so happy. I'm so happy to be on this side of the journey. I'm so happy to be experiencing success. I'm so happy to feel proud of myself.
I am so thankful that I have experienced very little if any side effects. Yes, I am losing hair now but I have so much, it's not a problem. I've been so lucky. I have found my groove...and it feels good.
I actually miss exercising when I haven't done it in more than 48 hours. I love that. I love the feeling after a good workout.
We're flying out to Cape Cod next week...and I'm actually curious how an airline seat will feel. 70 pounds ago, it wasn't fun to fly. I actually bought a seatbelt extender to carry with me on flights because I was too humiliated and mortified to ask the flight attendant for one. I don't think I'll need it now. THANK GOD.
I hover around 450 calories per day. It sounds low but really, it's about perfect. I can count on a pound of weight loss if I stay around that number without exercise. If I fit a workout in, I can stretch the calories to 600 or so and still achieve a pound per day. This also depends on how much water I've had, what time of the month it is and if I've had too much salt...but for the most part, I'm losing a pound per day. So exciting.
I wore some pants yesterday that fit great. The waist was comfortable, the butt didn't sag. They were a little gem I found when I cleaned out my closet a few weeks ago. All day long I thought I thought I had on a size 22 - which is still a win because I was a tight 24 pre-op. It wasn't until I changed out of my work clothes and into my workout clothes yesterday evening that I saw they were actually a 20. Again, so happy. That means another round of closet clean out could happen because I just kept all my 22's and now I may be too small for them. Such an amazing feeling.
So there ya go. Life is good. I'm winning the weight loss battle. I never thought I'd be able to say that...and I 110% credit the success to the surgery. I never would have been able to succeed without it.
I'm so happy. I'm so happy to be on this side of the journey. I'm so happy to be experiencing success. I'm so happy to feel proud of myself.
I am so thankful that I have experienced very little if any side effects. Yes, I am losing hair now but I have so much, it's not a problem. I've been so lucky. I have found my groove...and it feels good.
I actually miss exercising when I haven't done it in more than 48 hours. I love that. I love the feeling after a good workout.
We're flying out to Cape Cod next week...and I'm actually curious how an airline seat will feel. 70 pounds ago, it wasn't fun to fly. I actually bought a seatbelt extender to carry with me on flights because I was too humiliated and mortified to ask the flight attendant for one. I don't think I'll need it now. THANK GOD.
I hover around 450 calories per day. It sounds low but really, it's about perfect. I can count on a pound of weight loss if I stay around that number without exercise. If I fit a workout in, I can stretch the calories to 600 or so and still achieve a pound per day. This also depends on how much water I've had, what time of the month it is and if I've had too much salt...but for the most part, I'm losing a pound per day. So exciting.
I wore some pants yesterday that fit great. The waist was comfortable, the butt didn't sag. They were a little gem I found when I cleaned out my closet a few weeks ago. All day long I thought I thought I had on a size 22 - which is still a win because I was a tight 24 pre-op. It wasn't until I changed out of my work clothes and into my workout clothes yesterday evening that I saw they were actually a 20. Again, so happy. That means another round of closet clean out could happen because I just kept all my 22's and now I may be too small for them. Such an amazing feeling.
So there ya go. Life is good. I'm winning the weight loss battle. I never thought I'd be able to say that...and I 110% credit the success to the surgery. I never would have been able to succeed without it.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
June 22 - September 22 = 13 weeks Post Op
My driver's license is now accurate. Crazy how much that bothered me. Crazy that I thought I could pass for that weight 68 pounds ago. Crazy the lies you can tell yourself when you struggle with something...crazy what you'll believe.
Is the struggle over? Nope. Not in the slightest. I was home with my boys all weekend and stressed out. They were not feeling 100%. The dog was driving me absolutely insane. My oldest wants to argue with every.word.I.say. And I found myself attempting to self-soothe with food. Why? Because that's what I did pre-op. Constant companion. Always there.
Only it doesn't work so well with the new plumbing system. I didn't get away with much...and the choices I was making could have been wayyyy worse. But it definitely put the spotlight back on the addiction...and it's wicked stronghold on my psyche.
The body is changing. It appears I've conquered my issues with food. The brain is soooo much harder to change!!! I'm trying - legitimately I am. I bought myself a coloring book and some colored pencils because I wanted something to occupy my brain when I may feel like grazing for food. And it works great - when I'm not the only responsible adult in the house. This past weekend, not the case. No time to color. No redirection of urges. And the wickedness crept in.
At least I'm aware of it, right? I mean - I'm seriously aware of it as it's happening and I do attempt to distract myself with the next thing - laundry shuffle or check on kids or whatever...but the other issue is that kids need to eat all the dang time!!! So even when attempting to distract myself, I also need to think about the next meal for them...what will it be, when should I start it, will they eat it - make it - serve it - clean it up. All while being conscience of NOT eating any myself. You can see where this becomes a little bit of an obsession.
I'm rambling. I'm here. I weigh less than I did yesterday. I'm flawed and a work-in-progress.
I'm OK with that. I call it a win.
Is the struggle over? Nope. Not in the slightest. I was home with my boys all weekend and stressed out. They were not feeling 100%. The dog was driving me absolutely insane. My oldest wants to argue with every.word.I.say. And I found myself attempting to self-soothe with food. Why? Because that's what I did pre-op. Constant companion. Always there.
Only it doesn't work so well with the new plumbing system. I didn't get away with much...and the choices I was making could have been wayyyy worse. But it definitely put the spotlight back on the addiction...and it's wicked stronghold on my psyche.
The body is changing. It appears I've conquered my issues with food. The brain is soooo much harder to change!!! I'm trying - legitimately I am. I bought myself a coloring book and some colored pencils because I wanted something to occupy my brain when I may feel like grazing for food. And it works great - when I'm not the only responsible adult in the house. This past weekend, not the case. No time to color. No redirection of urges. And the wickedness crept in.
At least I'm aware of it, right? I mean - I'm seriously aware of it as it's happening and I do attempt to distract myself with the next thing - laundry shuffle or check on kids or whatever...but the other issue is that kids need to eat all the dang time!!! So even when attempting to distract myself, I also need to think about the next meal for them...what will it be, when should I start it, will they eat it - make it - serve it - clean it up. All while being conscience of NOT eating any myself. You can see where this becomes a little bit of an obsession.
I'm rambling. I'm here. I weigh less than I did yesterday. I'm flawed and a work-in-progress.
I'm OK with that. I call it a win.
Friday, September 18, 2015
3 Month Post-Op Appointment
I had my three month post-op appointment yesterday afternoon.
I am 2 pounds or less away from graduating out of the "Morbidly Obese" catagory. Had I weighed in naked or earlier in the day, I probably would have made it out from under that label.
I've lost 40 pounds since the day of surgery...which is average, according to the surgeon. I thought I was doing amazing but I'm average. This was kind of disappointing at first but much better than hearing I was not losing enough or losing too much too fast, right? Why am I so bummed out that I am average? I also learned that my starting BMI was 47.1, Which, for my surgeons office is also the average BMI of their patients at their first appointment. So I'm 'double average'. Bummer.
But. BUT!! My BP was nice and low - 100/60. I have 5 more pair of pants I can add to the 'donate' box for church because I cannot keep them up. (in fact, I had to ask an engineer at work for a zip tie today when I got to work because my pants are so baggy, they were falling OFF) I look forward to working out. My calorie intake averages around 500-700 calories per day - which is right where I should be. I'm losing at a steady rate. I'm winning, folks. It's working, I win.
Then the Office Coordinator came in and talked to me for a few minutes while I waited for the doctor...and she gave me some tips on clothes and where she found some good clothes as she was losing (she had RNY 8 years ago). Good advice from her included try on things in stores. Even if it's scary and mortifying.
I got home and shared my appointment with the hubs - and his response was "that's pretty good considering you're not working out". Um, excuse me?? I get my ass kicked twice a week at 9 Round. Just because he doesn't see it doesn't mean it isn't happening.
So that's it. Average. And that's OK.
I am 2 pounds or less away from graduating out of the "Morbidly Obese" catagory. Had I weighed in naked or earlier in the day, I probably would have made it out from under that label.
I've lost 40 pounds since the day of surgery...which is average, according to the surgeon. I thought I was doing amazing but I'm average. This was kind of disappointing at first but much better than hearing I was not losing enough or losing too much too fast, right? Why am I so bummed out that I am average? I also learned that my starting BMI was 47.1, Which, for my surgeons office is also the average BMI of their patients at their first appointment. So I'm 'double average'. Bummer.
But. BUT!! My BP was nice and low - 100/60. I have 5 more pair of pants I can add to the 'donate' box for church because I cannot keep them up. (in fact, I had to ask an engineer at work for a zip tie today when I got to work because my pants are so baggy, they were falling OFF) I look forward to working out. My calorie intake averages around 500-700 calories per day - which is right where I should be. I'm losing at a steady rate. I'm winning, folks. It's working, I win.
Then the Office Coordinator came in and talked to me for a few minutes while I waited for the doctor...and she gave me some tips on clothes and where she found some good clothes as she was losing (she had RNY 8 years ago). Good advice from her included try on things in stores. Even if it's scary and mortifying.
I got home and shared my appointment with the hubs - and his response was "that's pretty good considering you're not working out". Um, excuse me?? I get my ass kicked twice a week at 9 Round. Just because he doesn't see it doesn't mean it isn't happening.
So that's it. Average. And that's OK.
Monday, September 14, 2015
12 Weeks Post-Op
If my RNY was a pregnancy, I'd be telling people by now. 12 whole weeks since surgery blows my mind. That seems like so very long ago...and so much has changed. Most obviously, my body. Not so much as obvious is my brain. Things are so much different today than they were June 14th.
1. I can cross my legs. Comfortably.
2. I look forward to my workout days at 9 Round and I have been building in treadmill time between those days.
3. More than half the contents of my closet no longer fits because I'm too small.
4. My rings now slide around on my fingers - remember they were so tight I couldn't get them off the day of surgery.
5. I can climb stairs with ease and not feel like I'm going to die at the top.
6. I am about three days to weighing what my drivers' license says I weigh.
7. I now weigh less than my husband!!!!
8. The people in my life who know about my surgery are making comments like "you're melting away" - and I say "I know!!! Thank you!!!!"
9. Watermelon, soup and yogurt are my BFF's.
10. 50 grams of protein is a whole lot when your stomach is so tiny.
11. I do not miss the foods I thought I'd miss.
12. One or two bites of something really can be satisfying.
13. Nothing feels worse than making a bad food choice and riding out the pain/discomfort.
14. It's OK to be proud of my own success.
15. Brain hunger is real.
16. I never would have been able to feel this success without the surgery.
17. I have no regrets about having RNY.
18. QUARK!!!
19. I have 100 pounds more to lose and I am confident I can do it. For the first time in my life.
20. I can pick up and carry my littles and realize that a few short months ago, I was carrying that amount of weight on my frame every minute of every day!!! Whoa Momma!!
I'm so thankful to be on this side of surgery. The anticipation was the absolute worst part of this entire journey. I'm so thankful that recovery went so well - without pain and complications. I don't know if I would have walked into the post-op process with such a cheery outlook had I had a bunch of post-op complications. I'm thankful I have a supportive community around me who is learning how the new me has to live. I'm thankful I'm young enough to enjoy my new body and my new lifestyle for many many more years. I'm thankful that my obesity didn't cause more problems for me than it did and I'm thankful I had the surgery done before I got any larger.
I am very much more aware of how much our society has weight issues. I know many many thin and fit people but I also know many many people who struggle. Out in crowds, I am keenly aware of bodies and who could desperately use some help. I hate that I see fat people in masses of people and I feel sorry for them. Because I know how it feels to be trapped in there completely incapable of getting yourself out. And people can act like it doesn't bother them all they want - but I know the truth. That even if you act confident, you may not be.
I wish more insurance companies would be more vocal about WLS as a way to combat obesity - it's a win-win. The patient gets their life back and the insurance company avoids paying for conditions that go hand-in-hand with obesity like diabetes, arthritis, heart disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, stroke, cancer...the list is endless. Had I known that WLS was a REAL option for me, I may have jumped on looking into it sooner. However, it's all in the Master Plan that I do not control - an I'm happy to say I had my RNY at age 38. I have a whole lot of time to enjoy the me I'm becoming...like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon.
1. I can cross my legs. Comfortably.
2. I look forward to my workout days at 9 Round and I have been building in treadmill time between those days.
3. More than half the contents of my closet no longer fits because I'm too small.
4. My rings now slide around on my fingers - remember they were so tight I couldn't get them off the day of surgery.
5. I can climb stairs with ease and not feel like I'm going to die at the top.
6. I am about three days to weighing what my drivers' license says I weigh.
7. I now weigh less than my husband!!!!
8. The people in my life who know about my surgery are making comments like "you're melting away" - and I say "I know!!! Thank you!!!!"
9. Watermelon, soup and yogurt are my BFF's.
10. 50 grams of protein is a whole lot when your stomach is so tiny.
11. I do not miss the foods I thought I'd miss.
12. One or two bites of something really can be satisfying.
13. Nothing feels worse than making a bad food choice and riding out the pain/discomfort.
14. It's OK to be proud of my own success.
15. Brain hunger is real.
16. I never would have been able to feel this success without the surgery.
17. I have no regrets about having RNY.
18. QUARK!!!
19. I have 100 pounds more to lose and I am confident I can do it. For the first time in my life.
20. I can pick up and carry my littles and realize that a few short months ago, I was carrying that amount of weight on my frame every minute of every day!!! Whoa Momma!!
I'm so thankful to be on this side of surgery. The anticipation was the absolute worst part of this entire journey. I'm so thankful that recovery went so well - without pain and complications. I don't know if I would have walked into the post-op process with such a cheery outlook had I had a bunch of post-op complications. I'm thankful I have a supportive community around me who is learning how the new me has to live. I'm thankful I'm young enough to enjoy my new body and my new lifestyle for many many more years. I'm thankful that my obesity didn't cause more problems for me than it did and I'm thankful I had the surgery done before I got any larger.
I am very much more aware of how much our society has weight issues. I know many many thin and fit people but I also know many many people who struggle. Out in crowds, I am keenly aware of bodies and who could desperately use some help. I hate that I see fat people in masses of people and I feel sorry for them. Because I know how it feels to be trapped in there completely incapable of getting yourself out. And people can act like it doesn't bother them all they want - but I know the truth. That even if you act confident, you may not be.
I wish more insurance companies would be more vocal about WLS as a way to combat obesity - it's a win-win. The patient gets their life back and the insurance company avoids paying for conditions that go hand-in-hand with obesity like diabetes, arthritis, heart disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, stroke, cancer...the list is endless. Had I known that WLS was a REAL option for me, I may have jumped on looking into it sooner. However, it's all in the Master Plan that I do not control - an I'm happy to say I had my RNY at age 38. I have a whole lot of time to enjoy the me I'm becoming...like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
11 Weeks Post-Op - Donating Clothes
I say ti every week but I honestly cannot believe it's been 11 weeks since my RNY. The time was going to pass regardless of whether I was in recovery or still being miserable in my own skin - I'm so happy to have made my choice and be on this path!!
I've lost 60 pounds since the beginning of the liquid diet and 40 pounds since the day of surgery. That's a lot of weight!! I have my 3 month post-op check up next week...can't wait to see what the surgeon and nutritionist say. The one thing I continue to struggle with is the vitamins. I need to be more conscience about them and mindful to take them. However I feel great!!
A couple really fun things happened this past week -
First, we went to Mason's preschool Open House on Tuesday night and they took a family photo of use to keep on the wall for the first few weeks of school to help with separation anxiety (of which my 4 year old will have none but I understand why they do it for the kids who haven't been in daycare forever). Guess what? I'm not the largest person in the photo!!! I actually look relatively proportionate to my husband! This has always bothered me and I'm thrilled that it's not an issue anymore!!!
Next, I pulled on a dress for church on Sunday that I haven't been able to get on. I ordered it on Zulily thinking it'd be a great summer dress, and it is, but when it came, I couldn't get it over my chest and once I did, it was so tight across my mid-section I wouldn't dare wear it in front of anyone. On Sunday, I pulled it on and it fell perfectly. No embarrassing sausage casing.
THEN, when we got home from church, I took some time and went through my closet. The church is having the annual rummage sale and taking donations. I thought I may as well donate what I can't wear anymore.
Guys - it was amazing. I had 19 pairs of pants - 3 of which still had tags on them - that I will never wear again. WAY TOO BIG. 5 skirts. 6 sweaters. I packed them up and they're ready to go. This felt so empowering!!!! I also found 6 pairs of work pants that will fit for the time being but won't probably fit much past Thanksgiving...which is also cool because I won't have to scramble to find clothes for work for a while. I wanted to scream and jump up and down as I packed up the donations. Success!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday I hopped on the treadmill and did 45 minutes of good, fast walking with various incline followed by some kettlebell and dumbbell work since I couldn't get into 9Round (closed for Labor Day). I need to do that more. I felt much better after a good sweat.
Finally - completely unrelated to weight loss but fun nevertheless - I took a chance and called in to win Taylor Swift Concert tickets to the radio show I listen to daily. They wanted 4 random facts about both of the morning hosts for fourth row tickets. I've never called in to win anything on the radio and somehow, I got thru and somehow I was the first caller and I knew enough about each of them to win. Crazy!!!! So yeah, I have fun plans this weekend with my dear friend!!
Life is good...sometimes, it's hard to remember that but really, it's so so good.
I've lost 60 pounds since the beginning of the liquid diet and 40 pounds since the day of surgery. That's a lot of weight!! I have my 3 month post-op check up next week...can't wait to see what the surgeon and nutritionist say. The one thing I continue to struggle with is the vitamins. I need to be more conscience about them and mindful to take them. However I feel great!!
A couple really fun things happened this past week -
First, we went to Mason's preschool Open House on Tuesday night and they took a family photo of use to keep on the wall for the first few weeks of school to help with separation anxiety (of which my 4 year old will have none but I understand why they do it for the kids who haven't been in daycare forever). Guess what? I'm not the largest person in the photo!!! I actually look relatively proportionate to my husband! This has always bothered me and I'm thrilled that it's not an issue anymore!!!
Next, I pulled on a dress for church on Sunday that I haven't been able to get on. I ordered it on Zulily thinking it'd be a great summer dress, and it is, but when it came, I couldn't get it over my chest and once I did, it was so tight across my mid-section I wouldn't dare wear it in front of anyone. On Sunday, I pulled it on and it fell perfectly. No embarrassing sausage casing.
THEN, when we got home from church, I took some time and went through my closet. The church is having the annual rummage sale and taking donations. I thought I may as well donate what I can't wear anymore.
Guys - it was amazing. I had 19 pairs of pants - 3 of which still had tags on them - that I will never wear again. WAY TOO BIG. 5 skirts. 6 sweaters. I packed them up and they're ready to go. This felt so empowering!!!! I also found 6 pairs of work pants that will fit for the time being but won't probably fit much past Thanksgiving...which is also cool because I won't have to scramble to find clothes for work for a while. I wanted to scream and jump up and down as I packed up the donations. Success!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday I hopped on the treadmill and did 45 minutes of good, fast walking with various incline followed by some kettlebell and dumbbell work since I couldn't get into 9Round (closed for Labor Day). I need to do that more. I felt much better after a good sweat.
Finally - completely unrelated to weight loss but fun nevertheless - I took a chance and called in to win Taylor Swift Concert tickets to the radio show I listen to daily. They wanted 4 random facts about both of the morning hosts for fourth row tickets. I've never called in to win anything on the radio and somehow, I got thru and somehow I was the first caller and I knew enough about each of them to win. Crazy!!!! So yeah, I have fun plans this weekend with my dear friend!!
Life is good...sometimes, it's hard to remember that but really, it's so so good.
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
10 Weeks Post-Op
Second nature. That's where I've graduated to. No longer do I even think about large meals or desire foods I cannot have. I'm craving my 'normal' foods - not bread or baked goods...but fruit and protein. It's pretty amazing, actually. I didn't know if I'd ever get here. I also crave exercise. I continue to love 9Round. I love going in there and literally pounding out some stress. I miss it on the days I cannot go. Once school starts and our life has more routine in it, I'll hopefully be able to make 9Round a part of my day 3 times a week rather than 2. My chipped Tibea does bother me when the active rests involve jumping or impact but I have no problem alternating those ouchie exercises with something I CAN do like wall-sits or push-ups or running in place.
Even my kids have learned that Momma doesn't eat what they eat most of the time. I made a pasta dish yesterday that was a huge no-no for me - and in all honesty a huge no-no for most people as it has a stick of butter and 2 pints of heavy cream in the sauce. The boys ate it up. I had a Quark. It was delicious - Lemon - YUM. I also made Peanut Butter-Chocolate Chip Oatmeal cookies - which the boys loved - and I didn't even taste them. This amazes me. I can do it and it doesn't bother me much. Weird!!!
I also bought a sweater for our family portraits at the end of September and it was a non-plus size. And it fits NOW. Not in a month from now when we have our session. Now. In fact, it may be too big in a month. WEIRD.
I need to carve out some time to get my closet in order. Basically nothing for fall is going to fit. Luckily, our church has a fall rummage sale, so I plan on donating everything to church. There's a funny phenomena with plus-sized clothes; the bigger your size, the more you need to lose to notice. Like I could fluxuate 20 pounds and still fit into my size 24 tops...but I lose close to 60 and the sizes are changing closer and closer together. I'm thinking that until I hit my goal, I'll just get some wardrobe staples. No need in spending a ton on clothes I'll shrink out of in a matter of weeks.
Water is my struggle. Continuous struggle. And I need it because things aren't moving as nicely as they could or should be in my lower GI tract. Also I think my FitBit is dying. it's just not working the way it should be. I woke up this morning and FitBit thought I'd already had over 8,000 steps. Um...not so much. Also the lights aren't flashing as brightly or as quickly as they used to. Maybe it's tired...but I charged it this morning. Bummer...I really like it!!!
That's all from here. Still adore Watermelon, Cantalope, Soup, and Quark!! I miss salads...that's about all. Life is good. I'm more than 1/3 of the way to my goal weight. Dang...how awesome is that???
Even my kids have learned that Momma doesn't eat what they eat most of the time. I made a pasta dish yesterday that was a huge no-no for me - and in all honesty a huge no-no for most people as it has a stick of butter and 2 pints of heavy cream in the sauce. The boys ate it up. I had a Quark. It was delicious - Lemon - YUM. I also made Peanut Butter-Chocolate Chip Oatmeal cookies - which the boys loved - and I didn't even taste them. This amazes me. I can do it and it doesn't bother me much. Weird!!!
I also bought a sweater for our family portraits at the end of September and it was a non-plus size. And it fits NOW. Not in a month from now when we have our session. Now. In fact, it may be too big in a month. WEIRD.
I need to carve out some time to get my closet in order. Basically nothing for fall is going to fit. Luckily, our church has a fall rummage sale, so I plan on donating everything to church. There's a funny phenomena with plus-sized clothes; the bigger your size, the more you need to lose to notice. Like I could fluxuate 20 pounds and still fit into my size 24 tops...but I lose close to 60 and the sizes are changing closer and closer together. I'm thinking that until I hit my goal, I'll just get some wardrobe staples. No need in spending a ton on clothes I'll shrink out of in a matter of weeks.
Water is my struggle. Continuous struggle. And I need it because things aren't moving as nicely as they could or should be in my lower GI tract. Also I think my FitBit is dying. it's just not working the way it should be. I woke up this morning and FitBit thought I'd already had over 8,000 steps. Um...not so much. Also the lights aren't flashing as brightly or as quickly as they used to. Maybe it's tired...but I charged it this morning. Bummer...I really like it!!!
That's all from here. Still adore Watermelon, Cantalope, Soup, and Quark!! I miss salads...that's about all. Life is good. I'm more than 1/3 of the way to my goal weight. Dang...how awesome is that???
Thursday, August 27, 2015
9 Weeks Post-Op - The New Normal
9 Weeks Post Op. Summer is wrapping up. Summer was just RAMPing up when I had my RNY. Amazing how fast time can go...
I'm not afraid to share my surgery story...mainly because I am really happy with how the entire process went. I don't have one bit of a horror story. My age, my pre-op health, my attitude - I just decided this was going to be a good experience and it was. I have momentary feelings of discomfort but never regret. This is my new normal.
I've found my groove. I know what I can eat easily and what is more difficult and what is a flat out NO right now. I have found products that help with my protein intake - like Quark. Ever heard of Quark?? Quark is a CHEESE product but packaged and sold in the yogurt section. It's very similar to Greek yogurt - creamy and thick with fruit - but has only 80 calories per 6 ounces and 14g of protein. My goal for a day is 50-60g...so pair that up with one of my Premier Protein shakes of 30g and I'm almost there.
I know that watermelon is almost always a good choice. I know that soup is my friend. I know that rice is never a good choice. After 3 sips of a Margarita, I know that alcohol is something I'm going to avoid for a while longer...as 3 sips about knocked me over.
I'm losing. My God, I'm successfully losing. And I'm proud of that. I'm proud that I am shrinking and I'm exercising and I'm eating right and it's working. It's OK for me to be proud of myself because I deserve that. No one is doing this for me. I'm following the food rules. I'm hitting the gym. I'm getting my protein and water. This is all me. And I'm succeeding. Damn, it feels good!!!
I'm not afraid to share my surgery story...mainly because I am really happy with how the entire process went. I don't have one bit of a horror story. My age, my pre-op health, my attitude - I just decided this was going to be a good experience and it was. I have momentary feelings of discomfort but never regret. This is my new normal.
I've found my groove. I know what I can eat easily and what is more difficult and what is a flat out NO right now. I have found products that help with my protein intake - like Quark. Ever heard of Quark?? Quark is a CHEESE product but packaged and sold in the yogurt section. It's very similar to Greek yogurt - creamy and thick with fruit - but has only 80 calories per 6 ounces and 14g of protein. My goal for a day is 50-60g...so pair that up with one of my Premier Protein shakes of 30g and I'm almost there.
I know that watermelon is almost always a good choice. I know that soup is my friend. I know that rice is never a good choice. After 3 sips of a Margarita, I know that alcohol is something I'm going to avoid for a while longer...as 3 sips about knocked me over.
I'm losing. My God, I'm successfully losing. And I'm proud of that. I'm proud that I am shrinking and I'm exercising and I'm eating right and it's working. It's OK for me to be proud of myself because I deserve that. No one is doing this for me. I'm following the food rules. I'm hitting the gym. I'm getting my protein and water. This is all me. And I'm succeeding. Damn, it feels good!!!
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Observations
Strange feeling yesterday - I put on some pre-op khaki pants and at that time, they were loose but not falling down. After driving into work and then sitting at my desk for a couple hours, they stretched out and by lunchtime, I needed to keep my hands in my pockets simply to hold my pants up. The butt was super baggy...the waist was baggy...it was funny and impressive (at one point these pants barely fit) but also a bit dangerous...had anyone tugged on my pants, they would have easily fallen down to my ankles.
I can also easily fit into tops in my closet that are 18/20's, not 22/24. That's a great feeling as well.
My bras no longer hurt. No more digging into my shoulders or my sides.
My sportsbras are almost too big...there's more bounce happening than I remember - time for a smaller size there...
Some of my shoes now feel 'sloppy'. Shoes that were once fitting perfectly now feel a bit loose.
All of this after shedding 50 pounds. I'm 1/3 of my way to my goal. I'm still so curious to know what everything will be/look like/feel in 100 more pounds!!!
I've struggled to get my water in for the past couple days. As a result I woke up with a horrendous headache this morning. Dehydration. Not cool. I really really need to make a conscience effort of drinking water.
I ordered some Bariatric Chewable vitamins on Amazon. I haven't been taking my vitamins as religiously as I should be...so I got some new ones to see if they were better than Flintstones. Nope. They're also equally disgusting. However I will bring my Flintstones to work so I can take one in the morning if I forget at home.
The weight is still coming off in interesting places first. My gut is going to be the last to go. Not much I can do about it - I think it's just how my body is dealing with all this. Hitting the gym to workout is great - I love 9Round - but I'm still the largest person in the room there AND I have to modify almost every 'active transition' because of my chipped tibia. Anything involving jumping or the plank position is really really painful. So I do a lot of running in place. Whatever - at least I'm there moving my body, right?? But in my twisted head, all I think is how everyone must be judging me. "look at that big girl - she's so big she can't even DO half this stuff". That's what they're saying inside my head. When in reality, I doubt they're even noticing that I'm doing my own thing and if they do, do I really care??? I'm not judging anyone there. Why do I automatically assume they're judging me? Because I do. That's part of the insanity that is my brain.
Another crazy thinking thing that is happening involves calories. I track everything I eat/drink in MyFitnessPal. I have it on my phone. I have my Fitbit linked to it. I'm not sure where the 'normal' line is drawn about watching calories though. Tuesday, I had 10-15 Pita Chips. I logged them - 150 calories. I was still under 550 calories for the entire day...so no big deal, right?? I couldn't forgive myself for eating the stupid pita chips. They tasted amazing. I chewed them up to a delightful paste in my mouth...texture wasn't an issue. They went down fine. I still lost a pound by the morning. So why am I obsessing over this??? I didn't eat an entire pint of ice cream or half a pizza. I didn't even eat a normal serving size of Pita Chips. I need to be mindful of this so it doesn't spiral.
I can also easily fit into tops in my closet that are 18/20's, not 22/24. That's a great feeling as well.
My bras no longer hurt. No more digging into my shoulders or my sides.
My sportsbras are almost too big...there's more bounce happening than I remember - time for a smaller size there...
Some of my shoes now feel 'sloppy'. Shoes that were once fitting perfectly now feel a bit loose.
All of this after shedding 50 pounds. I'm 1/3 of my way to my goal. I'm still so curious to know what everything will be/look like/feel in 100 more pounds!!!
I've struggled to get my water in for the past couple days. As a result I woke up with a horrendous headache this morning. Dehydration. Not cool. I really really need to make a conscience effort of drinking water.
I ordered some Bariatric Chewable vitamins on Amazon. I haven't been taking my vitamins as religiously as I should be...so I got some new ones to see if they were better than Flintstones. Nope. They're also equally disgusting. However I will bring my Flintstones to work so I can take one in the morning if I forget at home.
The weight is still coming off in interesting places first. My gut is going to be the last to go. Not much I can do about it - I think it's just how my body is dealing with all this. Hitting the gym to workout is great - I love 9Round - but I'm still the largest person in the room there AND I have to modify almost every 'active transition' because of my chipped tibia. Anything involving jumping or the plank position is really really painful. So I do a lot of running in place. Whatever - at least I'm there moving my body, right?? But in my twisted head, all I think is how everyone must be judging me. "look at that big girl - she's so big she can't even DO half this stuff". That's what they're saying inside my head. When in reality, I doubt they're even noticing that I'm doing my own thing and if they do, do I really care??? I'm not judging anyone there. Why do I automatically assume they're judging me? Because I do. That's part of the insanity that is my brain.
Another crazy thinking thing that is happening involves calories. I track everything I eat/drink in MyFitnessPal. I have it on my phone. I have my Fitbit linked to it. I'm not sure where the 'normal' line is drawn about watching calories though. Tuesday, I had 10-15 Pita Chips. I logged them - 150 calories. I was still under 550 calories for the entire day...so no big deal, right?? I couldn't forgive myself for eating the stupid pita chips. They tasted amazing. I chewed them up to a delightful paste in my mouth...texture wasn't an issue. They went down fine. I still lost a pound by the morning. So why am I obsessing over this??? I didn't eat an entire pint of ice cream or half a pizza. I didn't even eat a normal serving size of Pita Chips. I need to be mindful of this so it doesn't spiral.
Monday, August 17, 2015
8 Weeks Post -Op - Stall over
The best part about a stall, if there is a best part, is that when if finally breaks I feel invincible. Sunday morning I was back to losing again...down a pound. This morning I was down an additional 2. So yeah...I may have been super bummed about the scale not moving for 10 days, but to lose 3 pounds in 2 days makes it worth it.
I took some time last night and tried on 5 pair of jeans in my closet...two of which still have tags on them. Super cute, expensive jeans. It's pretty safe to say that I will probably shrink too much to have them be a part of my life in a few weeks...as 4/5 of them were marginally too big now. The one pair that is not marginally too big will probably fit in about 2-3 weeks. This blows my mind. Jeans. Like, the nemesis of most women - and the pairs I currently own will not fit soon. Damn. Feels GOOD.
Still not getting the support I anticipated from my spouse. Maybe my expectations were too high to begin with....but I can say things like "today I weigh what I weighed when I ordered my wedding dress" and he remains silent. Then I follow up with "that was a wide-open opportunity for some encouragement" and he stammers like a fish. I wore a dress on Sunday to church that I got no less than 10 compliments on - husband said nothing. Not a "You look nice" or anything. I knew he wasn't a compliment giver but when I'm so blatantly changing at a rapid pace, I'd think that hearing other people compliment me would kick him in the ass to start doing the same. No such luck. Even my 4 year old says "Momma - I like your dress - it's really beautiful!!" Come on, Phil.
I think that I'll take some 8-week update photos tonight....not sure if I'll post them or not but I need them for me. I need to see what other people are seeing for progress.
I took some time last night and tried on 5 pair of jeans in my closet...two of which still have tags on them. Super cute, expensive jeans. It's pretty safe to say that I will probably shrink too much to have them be a part of my life in a few weeks...as 4/5 of them were marginally too big now. The one pair that is not marginally too big will probably fit in about 2-3 weeks. This blows my mind. Jeans. Like, the nemesis of most women - and the pairs I currently own will not fit soon. Damn. Feels GOOD.
Still not getting the support I anticipated from my spouse. Maybe my expectations were too high to begin with....but I can say things like "today I weigh what I weighed when I ordered my wedding dress" and he remains silent. Then I follow up with "that was a wide-open opportunity for some encouragement" and he stammers like a fish. I wore a dress on Sunday to church that I got no less than 10 compliments on - husband said nothing. Not a "You look nice" or anything. I knew he wasn't a compliment giver but when I'm so blatantly changing at a rapid pace, I'd think that hearing other people compliment me would kick him in the ass to start doing the same. No such luck. Even my 4 year old says "Momma - I like your dress - it's really beautiful!!" Come on, Phil.
I think that I'll take some 8-week update photos tonight....not sure if I'll post them or not but I need them for me. I need to see what other people are seeing for progress.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
7 Weeks Post-Op - Check in with Exercise Phys.
Part of this journey included 6+ months of pre-op appointments. I met with a Nutritionist monthly and an Exercise Physiologist twice. Of course, the Nutritionist focused on nutrition (duh) and losing weight pre-op as well as setting myself up to maintain good eating habits post-op. The Exercise Phys appointments were to pave the way for good habits for exercising - including cardio and resistance training to maintain as much muscle mass as possible during weight loss. This is important because muscle burns fat...and if you lose muscle, you lose your fat burning at it's optimal level.
Fast forward to today. I had a follow-up appointment with Exercise Phys to see how I'm progressing after surgery. I'm proud to say I got a gold star on my progress!! I've lost 4.5 inches in my waist. I've lost 2 inches in my hips. However, most importantly, I have lost only a half a pound of muscle. This is huge...because it's quite normal for there to be quite a dramatic drop in muscle mass after this kind of surgery and weight loss. In my case, I've lost almost 100% fat. No muscle. And this is amazing news. Like - super encouraging, confidence boosting, self-esteem stroking good news. I'm doing great...my body is reacting the exact way they want it to following a RNY...and I got the "just keep doing what you're doing" pep talk. Not a whole laundry list of things to do - just keep doing what I'm doing. THANK YOU!!!!
Yes, I'm in a stall. Officially. And guess what? Last month around this time I was in a stall too... And guess what? It was about the time I was rabid with PMS too. Hmmmmm...connection?? Absolutely!!! Another thing I learned today - don't freak about the monthly stall. It's normal and just ride it out. As long as I'm not in menopause, it's just part of life and just keep plowing thru it. Another sigh of relief. It's not me. It's Normal.
So yeah...week 7 Post-Op is a good one...stall and all.
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Stalling Again???
I'm tired.
Really tired.
I've been going to sleep later than usual and getting out of bed in the morning has been harder than usual...so I've been hitting 'snooze' which isn't good for anyone.
I'm not sure if it's the low calorie intake or the time of year or what but I'm just exhausted lately. We have had busy weekends and not a ton of downtime and it's taking a toll. This weekend, we are heading to a cabin surrounded by a whole bunch of quiet so I'm hoping that it will allow for some much needed down-time.
So the scale isn't moving again. I'm too worked up about it as it's only been 3 days but still...it's not moving.
And by all accounts, it should be.
I'm not consuming excess calories - I'm hovering around 600-800 per day.
I started working out too - I joined 9round. It's a 30-minute circuit workout with a kickboxing focus. Punching, jabbing, kicking your way thru 9 3 minute circuits with 30 seconds of 'active transition time' It kicks my ass. I am drenched when I leave and I can't even DO some of the stations without modifications because I still have that chipped bone in my ankle.
I'm more active now than I was 3 months ago in general...so why isn't the scale moving?
Pretty sure that this is why they recommended that I put the scale away for a month - to prevent over-obsessing when the number doesn't move.
Here are some things that are different - my personal regularity is NOT the same. Pre-op, I had this wonderful routine of drinking 2-3 tablespoons of Chia seeds mixed into my daily 4-5ounces of Kombucha. I know - it sounds and looked horrible but it didn't taste bad and it was down the hatch in short order. This routine is missed mostly because it kept things nice and regular on the other side. That is not a luxury I've had since surgery. I haven't tried it in a while tho - I should try it this weekend - but at the last shot, it was really hard to get the Kombusha down before the Chia turned into a big jellied ball. Water has been going down better/faster so I should really try again - I miss a nice and empty intestinal tract.
I had my first episode where a meal didn't stay down. Not just a bite, the entire meal came back. Super gross. Threw up in front of my 4 year old, which freaked him out. Had some major foam happening. Needless to say, pulled pork is not something I'm dying to try again anytime soon. I think it was too fibrous - I couldn't chew it down much more.
The weight is coming off in strange places first. My face is always one of the first places that weight loss is noticeable. My fingers are shrinking because my rings (which were so tight the day of surgery I couldn't get them off) now slip and slide and spin around on my fingers. The veins on my feet stick out. My butt and gut must be shrinking because pants and jeans are loose in the waist and legs and my skirts are getting longer but it's not nearly as visible. My favorite swim suit from our vacation in April is getting cuter as the summer wears on...I'm trying to wear it as much as possible knowing it will not fit next summer.
My pre-op days included 100+ ounces of water. Part of my delayed bedtime is that I'm trying to get another 24-32 oz in before I go to sleep. It's just not that easy anymore. I could easily slam 16 ounces of water without taking a breath. Not anymore. Two sips too close together is still painful. Therefore, salty foods - or anything that would make me thirsty - are kind of the 'avoid' list...because I can't get the water in to flush out the salt/combat the dehydration. And maybe this is contributing to my exhaustion too - I may be slightly dehydrated.
So that's where I'm at. Kind of a downer post today but that's life. Not every day is sunshine and roses. The good news is that even the cloudiest days don't last forever.
Really tired.
I've been going to sleep later than usual and getting out of bed in the morning has been harder than usual...so I've been hitting 'snooze' which isn't good for anyone.
I'm not sure if it's the low calorie intake or the time of year or what but I'm just exhausted lately. We have had busy weekends and not a ton of downtime and it's taking a toll. This weekend, we are heading to a cabin surrounded by a whole bunch of quiet so I'm hoping that it will allow for some much needed down-time.
So the scale isn't moving again. I'm too worked up about it as it's only been 3 days but still...it's not moving.
And by all accounts, it should be.
I'm not consuming excess calories - I'm hovering around 600-800 per day.
I started working out too - I joined 9round. It's a 30-minute circuit workout with a kickboxing focus. Punching, jabbing, kicking your way thru 9 3 minute circuits with 30 seconds of 'active transition time' It kicks my ass. I am drenched when I leave and I can't even DO some of the stations without modifications because I still have that chipped bone in my ankle.
I'm more active now than I was 3 months ago in general...so why isn't the scale moving?
Pretty sure that this is why they recommended that I put the scale away for a month - to prevent over-obsessing when the number doesn't move.
Here are some things that are different - my personal regularity is NOT the same. Pre-op, I had this wonderful routine of drinking 2-3 tablespoons of Chia seeds mixed into my daily 4-5ounces of Kombucha. I know - it sounds and looked horrible but it didn't taste bad and it was down the hatch in short order. This routine is missed mostly because it kept things nice and regular on the other side. That is not a luxury I've had since surgery. I haven't tried it in a while tho - I should try it this weekend - but at the last shot, it was really hard to get the Kombusha down before the Chia turned into a big jellied ball. Water has been going down better/faster so I should really try again - I miss a nice and empty intestinal tract.
I had my first episode where a meal didn't stay down. Not just a bite, the entire meal came back. Super gross. Threw up in front of my 4 year old, which freaked him out. Had some major foam happening. Needless to say, pulled pork is not something I'm dying to try again anytime soon. I think it was too fibrous - I couldn't chew it down much more.
The weight is coming off in strange places first. My face is always one of the first places that weight loss is noticeable. My fingers are shrinking because my rings (which were so tight the day of surgery I couldn't get them off) now slip and slide and spin around on my fingers. The veins on my feet stick out. My butt and gut must be shrinking because pants and jeans are loose in the waist and legs and my skirts are getting longer but it's not nearly as visible. My favorite swim suit from our vacation in April is getting cuter as the summer wears on...I'm trying to wear it as much as possible knowing it will not fit next summer.
My pre-op days included 100+ ounces of water. Part of my delayed bedtime is that I'm trying to get another 24-32 oz in before I go to sleep. It's just not that easy anymore. I could easily slam 16 ounces of water without taking a breath. Not anymore. Two sips too close together is still painful. Therefore, salty foods - or anything that would make me thirsty - are kind of the 'avoid' list...because I can't get the water in to flush out the salt/combat the dehydration. And maybe this is contributing to my exhaustion too - I may be slightly dehydrated.
So that's where I'm at. Kind of a downer post today but that's life. Not every day is sunshine and roses. The good news is that even the cloudiest days don't last forever.
Monday, August 3, 2015
6 Weeks Post-Op and Social Functions
It's now been 6 weeks since surgery. Crazy because it feels like not that long ago and yet it also feels like I've been eating like a bird forever.
I'm down 48 pounds from my heaviest weight ever, 36 pounds since the beginning of the liquid diet and 26 pounds from the day of surgery. And it feels great...I love watching that scale move. I love that my favorite clothes are not going to fit at all much longer. I love that when we transition to fall, I'm going to need new things to wear. I love that the people in my life are noticing that I'm shrinking. That feels good.
What does not feel good is seeing myself in photos. Even with this pretty dramatic weight loss, I'm still one of the largest people in the room most of the time. I was reminded of this on Saturday night at my 20 year class reunion. The photos make me cringe. I'm trying to keep a stiff upper lip and say to myself "you'll be your true size by the next one" but I'd be lying if I didn't say it was discouraging. Yes, I would have been more mortified if this event would have been pre-surgery and I'm overjoyed with my success since...but I'm not there yet. That's the truth. And this weekend and the photos prove that.
However, the people (with just a very very few exceptions) that I saw on Saturday night have no impact on my life. I probably will not see them again for a long long time...and their opinion of me sincerely does not matter. I truly do not care if they went home to their spouse and said "Amy Johnson sure got fat". The people who love me, who care about my success and who support my journey know that I'm a work in progress...that I've come a long way in the past 6 weeks and the 6 months leading up to surgery. My life is a-OK without the opinions of everyone from my past. I know I'm succeeding because I see it in my clothes and on the scale. My husband called me his "incredible shrinking woman" this morning. That's all the validation I need.
I'm down 48 pounds from my heaviest weight ever, 36 pounds since the beginning of the liquid diet and 26 pounds from the day of surgery. And it feels great...I love watching that scale move. I love that my favorite clothes are not going to fit at all much longer. I love that when we transition to fall, I'm going to need new things to wear. I love that the people in my life are noticing that I'm shrinking. That feels good.
What does not feel good is seeing myself in photos. Even with this pretty dramatic weight loss, I'm still one of the largest people in the room most of the time. I was reminded of this on Saturday night at my 20 year class reunion. The photos make me cringe. I'm trying to keep a stiff upper lip and say to myself "you'll be your true size by the next one" but I'd be lying if I didn't say it was discouraging. Yes, I would have been more mortified if this event would have been pre-surgery and I'm overjoyed with my success since...but I'm not there yet. That's the truth. And this weekend and the photos prove that.
However, the people (with just a very very few exceptions) that I saw on Saturday night have no impact on my life. I probably will not see them again for a long long time...and their opinion of me sincerely does not matter. I truly do not care if they went home to their spouse and said "Amy Johnson sure got fat". The people who love me, who care about my success and who support my journey know that I'm a work in progress...that I've come a long way in the past 6 weeks and the 6 months leading up to surgery. My life is a-OK without the opinions of everyone from my past. I know I'm succeeding because I see it in my clothes and on the scale. My husband called me his "incredible shrinking woman" this morning. That's all the validation I need.
Monday, July 27, 2015
5 Weeks Post-Op - Buh-Bye Diet Restrictions!!
According to my 'binder', today is the day that all dietary restrictions are lifted. I'm officially free to eat whatever is appealing. Sounds super exciting, doesn't it? Like a graduation date or a release date from prison??
Truth is, not much is going to change for a while.
I've been nibbling on stuff for about a week. Not a ton and never to the point of fullness...but if it looks good enough to justify the calories, I'll try it. An animal cracker on the boat. A slice of pizza on Mason's birthday. A bite of an ice cream cone. All has gone well.
Here's the thing - I like my routine right now. I like my protein shake in the morning, my cup of soup for lunch and my four bites of protein and three bites of 'other' for dinner. I'm satisfied and I'm LOSING.
Do I miss carbs? Of course I miss carbs. However the few bites I've had of straight bread (not pizza) don't feel so good going down. My bites still have to be incredibly juicy to feel good going down. This applies to all foods - regardless of food group. Soup is my friend because it almost always goes down easy. Also, warm foods go down much easier than cold foods. Soup is warm. And if it's hot, it must be eaten slowly, which is even better.
Phil and I went out for sushi on Saturday night. He ordered a couple rolls, I ordered an Ahi Poke appetizer that we shared and two types of sashimi - Yellowtail and sockeye salmon. It was food nirvana. It was the *PERFECT* amount of food...and it tasted AMAZING. Ahi Poke is small bites of ahi and avacado tossed in a chili oil and soy sauce over rice. I didn't partake in the rice but the fish was amazing and the avacado went down really easy. The sashimi was equally delicious...and I was in food heaven by the end of the meal. Eating out without the kids means I can enjoy every single bite. No one is asking me for more milk, spilling anything, I'm not throwing back my meal for the sake of time. Nope. We sat there and enjoyed, savored every single bite. The only thing that would have made it even better would have been a glass of wine...
Wine. Yes. I love it. I miss that too. And since I have an upcoming big event (ah-hem my 20 year high school reunion), the thought of having a glass has crossed my mind. HOWEVER then I had a sip at church during communion on Sunday and it's no longer appealing. You wouldn't think that the half a sip in the tiny cup would do much to a tummy but it did. As soon as I swallowed it, I questioned my choice. It burned all. the. way. down. Not like a little hot sensation - like I'd just tried to swallow a piece of orange ember. So...that extinguished any desire for a glass of wine any time soon. Probably a good thing.
So for now, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. If it looks good and I can justify the calories, I'm going for it. Like now, I'm sitting here eating some strawberries because they looked too delicious to leave at the store and I think I can spare the 100 calories. And they taste like summer. I'm Ok with this decision.
Truth is, not much is going to change for a while.
I've been nibbling on stuff for about a week. Not a ton and never to the point of fullness...but if it looks good enough to justify the calories, I'll try it. An animal cracker on the boat. A slice of pizza on Mason's birthday. A bite of an ice cream cone. All has gone well.
Here's the thing - I like my routine right now. I like my protein shake in the morning, my cup of soup for lunch and my four bites of protein and three bites of 'other' for dinner. I'm satisfied and I'm LOSING.
Do I miss carbs? Of course I miss carbs. However the few bites I've had of straight bread (not pizza) don't feel so good going down. My bites still have to be incredibly juicy to feel good going down. This applies to all foods - regardless of food group. Soup is my friend because it almost always goes down easy. Also, warm foods go down much easier than cold foods. Soup is warm. And if it's hot, it must be eaten slowly, which is even better.
Phil and I went out for sushi on Saturday night. He ordered a couple rolls, I ordered an Ahi Poke appetizer that we shared and two types of sashimi - Yellowtail and sockeye salmon. It was food nirvana. It was the *PERFECT* amount of food...and it tasted AMAZING. Ahi Poke is small bites of ahi and avacado tossed in a chili oil and soy sauce over rice. I didn't partake in the rice but the fish was amazing and the avacado went down really easy. The sashimi was equally delicious...and I was in food heaven by the end of the meal. Eating out without the kids means I can enjoy every single bite. No one is asking me for more milk, spilling anything, I'm not throwing back my meal for the sake of time. Nope. We sat there and enjoyed, savored every single bite. The only thing that would have made it even better would have been a glass of wine...
Wine. Yes. I love it. I miss that too. And since I have an upcoming big event (ah-hem my 20 year high school reunion), the thought of having a glass has crossed my mind. HOWEVER then I had a sip at church during communion on Sunday and it's no longer appealing. You wouldn't think that the half a sip in the tiny cup would do much to a tummy but it did. As soon as I swallowed it, I questioned my choice. It burned all. the. way. down. Not like a little hot sensation - like I'd just tried to swallow a piece of orange ember. So...that extinguished any desire for a glass of wine any time soon. Probably a good thing.
So for now, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. If it looks good and I can justify the calories, I'm going for it. Like now, I'm sitting here eating some strawberries because they looked too delicious to leave at the store and I think I can spare the 100 calories. And they taste like summer. I'm Ok with this decision.
Friday, July 24, 2015
I Miss Advil
The rules and the 'no-no's after bariatric surgery are a little different depending on who your surgeon is/was. Some surgeons allow you to go straight from liquid diet to soft foods. Some have you do a bowel prep pre-op (thank GOD Dr. Drew doesn't believe in that one). However there is one pretty standard rule throughout the bariatric surgery community : No NSAID pain relievers. This includes Advil, Motrin, Aleve, ibuprofen, Asprin.
The science behind this is for the benefit of the patient. Your new pouch is much smaller in surface area. NSAIDS are terribly hard on a standard stomach. With less surface area for the medication to spread out over for absorbtion, it's especially hard on WLS folks. Plus it's best if you take an NSAID with something in your stomach...but for a RNY, it's hard to swallow medication on a full stomach and expect it to stay down.
I'm not a pill popper. I have a fairly high pain tolerance (demonstrated by the fact that I still have entire bottle less 2 pills of Oxy-codone left over from my release from the hospital - I simply don't like how pain killers make me feel). However, once a month I require 3 solid days of Advil. I've had menstrual cramps since I've been menstruating but they have gotten worse with every child I've birthed. My OB/GYN recommended taking 3 Advil every 4 hours two days before I expect my period and keep up that routine until my third day. Well that's 5 full days on a LOT of Advil. And it worked. It worked well, actually. My life and my pain were manageable.
Well, given my choice to have a RNY, I am no longer able to take Advil. And I'm in pain. Tylenol is an alternative but it's not the same. It dulls the pain but it doesn't erase it. And it dulls the pain for a couple hours, not 4-6. And it's the kind of pain that makes you want to grab a heating pad and hide under the covers for a few days - something I cannot do because it's 90 and humid outside and my house of boys does not have any sensitivities for girl problems.
I'm a member of Bariatric Pal - an online community of bariatric patients who share experiences and tips and advice and all-around support each other thru this journey. I posed the question of how to deal with cramps and I got responses from Tylenol to hot water bottle to essential oils. So not such useful advice. And I know I'm not the only one suffering without Advil.
My PCP suggested a IUD. Then I read on BariatricPal that IUD's can halt weight loss, cause all these wacky side effects, cause headaches, many other things I do not want in my life. My surgeon said he's write me a prescription for a light narcotic. Well thanks doc but I do have three kids who need me and a job...although flying for 3-4 days per month on drugs does sound appealing it's not necessarily responsible.
So here I am. In pain. Missing Advil. With an angry uterus. Happy Friday, everyone!!
Monday, July 20, 2015
4 weeks Post-Op
Man, it's really hard to believe it's already been a month since my surgery!! There were so many months pre-op when I felt like surgery wasn't going to ever come...and now it's behind me by a month already. Crazy!!
The biggest news is the scale is moving again and in the correct direction. Man, that two-week stall really played with my mind!! Thoughts like "did the surgery really happen??" "Did he do it right??" "What's wrong with me??" Even a post-op appointment with the surgeon and nutritionist, who assured me that yes, the surgery was done and yes, it's very very common to stall around 2 weeks post-op and to just keep doing what I was doing didn't quiet the demons in my head. They can be quite loud and quite crazy at times!
Even before the scale started moving, I found a pair of denim capris in my closet that I obviously hadn't worn yet this summer and slid right into them. Didn't even have to unfasten the fly. Wow, did that feel good!!! I'm sure they were hiding in my closet because they had been pulled from rotation for being less than comfortable at one point...but that's no longer the case. Makes me wonder what else is hiding in there....
Also, soft food diet is kind of a joke. Technically I still have a week of toe Soft Food diet but really, I've been eating whatever looks good. Friday night, I had a small piece of pizza for dinner. That was it. One piece. Eaten very very slowly and in tiny bites. Totally amazing and totally satisfying. Saturday evening, I had one hamburger slider, (no bun), a couple bite-sized pieces of cantaloupe and a couple creamy cucumber slices. Perfection. Like - not only did it all taste amazing but it was the perfect amount of food.
I did have my first "not going down" moment on Thursday night. And the bite came back up with relatively low-drama...just a 'cough with results' as Megan told me. The pain immediately went away. I felt instantly better. It's definitely not something I want to happen daily or even weekly but it did happen and I survived.
So that's that!! How exciting, huh?? Scale's movin'...clothes are fittin'...Amy's eatin'. Life is good!!!
-XO!
Amy
The biggest news is the scale is moving again and in the correct direction. Man, that two-week stall really played with my mind!! Thoughts like "did the surgery really happen??" "Did he do it right??" "What's wrong with me??" Even a post-op appointment with the surgeon and nutritionist, who assured me that yes, the surgery was done and yes, it's very very common to stall around 2 weeks post-op and to just keep doing what I was doing didn't quiet the demons in my head. They can be quite loud and quite crazy at times!
Even before the scale started moving, I found a pair of denim capris in my closet that I obviously hadn't worn yet this summer and slid right into them. Didn't even have to unfasten the fly. Wow, did that feel good!!! I'm sure they were hiding in my closet because they had been pulled from rotation for being less than comfortable at one point...but that's no longer the case. Makes me wonder what else is hiding in there....
Also, soft food diet is kind of a joke. Technically I still have a week of toe Soft Food diet but really, I've been eating whatever looks good. Friday night, I had a small piece of pizza for dinner. That was it. One piece. Eaten very very slowly and in tiny bites. Totally amazing and totally satisfying. Saturday evening, I had one hamburger slider, (no bun), a couple bite-sized pieces of cantaloupe and a couple creamy cucumber slices. Perfection. Like - not only did it all taste amazing but it was the perfect amount of food.
I did have my first "not going down" moment on Thursday night. And the bite came back up with relatively low-drama...just a 'cough with results' as Megan told me. The pain immediately went away. I felt instantly better. It's definitely not something I want to happen daily or even weekly but it did happen and I survived.
So that's that!! How exciting, huh?? Scale's movin'...clothes are fittin'...Amy's eatin'. Life is good!!!
-XO!
Amy
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Post-Op Week 3
Made it to week 3.
Graduated from Pureed to Soft Foods. These can include chicken or fish - the more moist, the better - so I'm still doing a lot of soup, as the meat in soup is typically very soft. I tried some sloppy joe meat over the weekend - that went down very well. I had some pulled pork yesterday at lunch - that didn't move all day. Like a rock in the gut. Today, I had a small cup of Chili Blanco with chicken and same thing - I can feel the chicken just sitting in the pouch. So maybe I need to back off the meat and only consume it every other day or something for now. Last night, I had some Hot and Sour Soup from Pei Wei and that was about perfect...the proteins in it (and there are a lot - tofu, egg and chicken) were very soft and the bamboo shoots and mushrooms gave it enough texture to be about perfect. Plus the flavor is amazing. So I'll have to remember that one. I got a bowl so I can even have another little cup tonight if this chicken moves in time.
I had my 2-week post-op check up with the surgeon on Thursday. Although I'm more than a little disappointed that the scale hasn't moved in more than 10 days now, neither the surgeon nor the nutritionist was concerned at all. In fact, the nutritionist encouraged me to put the scale away for a while - like a month or more - to just let my body do it's thing. The scale can get distracting and cause these feelings of despair that are unnecessary. I had major surgery - the weight WILL come off. It's guaranteed. Obsessing over the daily number isn't helping the process.
I don't know if I can put the scale away for a month tho. I may just decide to only weigh once a week. That's more realistic right now for me.
The ankle is still sore. I have a recheck on that tomorrow to see how it's healing...however with how it feels, I don't think much has changed since I chipped it 2 weeks ago...but we'll see. I know that the scale moving is dependent on me moving and that is difficult to do in a boot. :(
So that's where I am. I keep on keepin' on. Following the rules. My new life. Some days are more difficult than others.
Graduated from Pureed to Soft Foods. These can include chicken or fish - the more moist, the better - so I'm still doing a lot of soup, as the meat in soup is typically very soft. I tried some sloppy joe meat over the weekend - that went down very well. I had some pulled pork yesterday at lunch - that didn't move all day. Like a rock in the gut. Today, I had a small cup of Chili Blanco with chicken and same thing - I can feel the chicken just sitting in the pouch. So maybe I need to back off the meat and only consume it every other day or something for now. Last night, I had some Hot and Sour Soup from Pei Wei and that was about perfect...the proteins in it (and there are a lot - tofu, egg and chicken) were very soft and the bamboo shoots and mushrooms gave it enough texture to be about perfect. Plus the flavor is amazing. So I'll have to remember that one. I got a bowl so I can even have another little cup tonight if this chicken moves in time.
I had my 2-week post-op check up with the surgeon on Thursday. Although I'm more than a little disappointed that the scale hasn't moved in more than 10 days now, neither the surgeon nor the nutritionist was concerned at all. In fact, the nutritionist encouraged me to put the scale away for a while - like a month or more - to just let my body do it's thing. The scale can get distracting and cause these feelings of despair that are unnecessary. I had major surgery - the weight WILL come off. It's guaranteed. Obsessing over the daily number isn't helping the process.
I don't know if I can put the scale away for a month tho. I may just decide to only weigh once a week. That's more realistic right now for me.
The ankle is still sore. I have a recheck on that tomorrow to see how it's healing...however with how it feels, I don't think much has changed since I chipped it 2 weeks ago...but we'll see. I know that the scale moving is dependent on me moving and that is difficult to do in a boot. :(
So that's where I am. I keep on keepin' on. Following the rules. My new life. Some days are more difficult than others.
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Breakin' up is hard to do...
I miss food.
I miss it A LOT.
I'm a foodie. I have been for most of my adult life. And let's be honest, I probably wouldn't have needed gastric bypass if I was a picky eater, right? I love looking at recipes on Pinterest, watching cooking shows, I love to cook and bake for my family - and I like to think I'm a fairly good cook. Creating my own recipes doesn't scare me.
So how am I supposed to break up with food??
It's not like I have a drinking problem and I can just stop drinking. It's not that easy - I have to eat to live. To survive.
I miss the act of eating. I miss cutting food and putting it in my mouth and having the flavors wash over my tongue. I miss textures - salads and crusty bread, pizza with the crispy crust and the warm gooey cheese and sauce. I miss chewing.
I make dinner for my family nearly every night. It's an act of love that I believe is essential - they need nutritious food to go into their bodies and I really do enjoy creating dinners for them. However in the past two weeks, this turns into a time of deep resentment for me. Not only am I not loving creating meals that I cannot eat but I also get very upset that I then have to clean up a meal that I didn't get to eat either. It's easily an hour or more process of me getting very upset. Like watching your ex out on a date with someone else. Salt in the wound. Lemon juice in the cut.
I know this is for the greater good. I know will get past this eventually. Heck, I even know I WILL be able to eat again - just not ever the same way again. Can't go back. This is my new life.
Just the breaking up sucks. And after a month on a liquid diet (2 weeks pre-op and 2 weeks post-op) you'd think my affection for food would dim...but not so much. So I'm turning to prayer.
God - Most powerful and Loving - Please help me embrace my new life. Help me say goodbye to my old ways and learn to love the new world that awaits me. Help calm my mind when panic and fear creeps in and help strengthen my trust that You will always be guiding me - thru this and every journey I have on Earth.
Amen.
I miss it A LOT.
I'm a foodie. I have been for most of my adult life. And let's be honest, I probably wouldn't have needed gastric bypass if I was a picky eater, right? I love looking at recipes on Pinterest, watching cooking shows, I love to cook and bake for my family - and I like to think I'm a fairly good cook. Creating my own recipes doesn't scare me.
So how am I supposed to break up with food??
It's not like I have a drinking problem and I can just stop drinking. It's not that easy - I have to eat to live. To survive.
I miss the act of eating. I miss cutting food and putting it in my mouth and having the flavors wash over my tongue. I miss textures - salads and crusty bread, pizza with the crispy crust and the warm gooey cheese and sauce. I miss chewing.
I make dinner for my family nearly every night. It's an act of love that I believe is essential - they need nutritious food to go into their bodies and I really do enjoy creating dinners for them. However in the past two weeks, this turns into a time of deep resentment for me. Not only am I not loving creating meals that I cannot eat but I also get very upset that I then have to clean up a meal that I didn't get to eat either. It's easily an hour or more process of me getting very upset. Like watching your ex out on a date with someone else. Salt in the wound. Lemon juice in the cut.
I know this is for the greater good. I know will get past this eventually. Heck, I even know I WILL be able to eat again - just not ever the same way again. Can't go back. This is my new life.
Just the breaking up sucks. And after a month on a liquid diet (2 weeks pre-op and 2 weeks post-op) you'd think my affection for food would dim...but not so much. So I'm turning to prayer.
God - Most powerful and Loving - Please help me embrace my new life. Help me say goodbye to my old ways and learn to love the new world that awaits me. Help calm my mind when panic and fear creeps in and help strengthen my trust that You will always be guiding me - thru this and every journey I have on Earth.
Amen.
Monday, July 6, 2015
2 Weeks Post-Op
Pretty safe to say that I feel back to normal. Or at least what my new normal is. My incisions are healed up - and practically invisible. All that's left on my belly is the adhesive and my docs initials. Try as I might, they won't scrub off. I might to after the grey sticky with some baby oil tonight. I continue to struggle to get in my protein per day. A shake (30 grams) and some Isopure (25 grams) gets me there but getting all that down is harder than it sounds when I'm also supposed to have 64+ ounces of water. I need to be sipping all. the. time. Not that easy when you've got three kids needing you or a job or both.
My new love? V8 Low Sodium. I doctor it up with siracha or a dab of BBQ sauce or some steak seasoning. It works really well for cutting the craving for food. Because, honestly?? I miss the ACT of eating. I miss creating bites with a knife and chewing them and enjoying the flavors in my mouth. I miss fruit. A LOT. I graduate to purees today - so thicker than liquids but not 'soft foods'. This is kind of perplexing to me because I'm not quite sure what these are but I stocked up on some thicker soups thinking that'd be a start. Maybe see how cottage cheese sits?? We'll see.
The scale has stopped moving. I was on such a great ride for a while...every morning was a nice little 2+ pound drop. I've been stuck at the same number now for 4 days. Not that I'm complaining...I've lost a nice chunk already...and it's not like I can go out and drown my sorrows with a pizza or anything. My new anatomy will not allow that. So I'll just keep on doing what I'm doing. Water, water, water, protein, water, water, protein, water.
The other thing I miss, as long as I'm missing things, is being able to just chug water. When it's hot and you're thirsty and you have a nice big glass of beverage - it's so nice to be able to take several huge gulps in a row - quench that thirst straightaway. Not an option any more for me. And take it from me, it takes a lot of sip, sip, sips before you quench a thirst. I guess the first thought is 'prevent that thirst from happening' but still...not always possible.
I'm back at work today. I think I'm ready - I enjoyed my recovery time but it's time to re-enter the real world. I honestly think that the reason my recovery went as well as it did is because I took the time to allow my body to heal. I was NOT ready to return to work last week. I'm thankful that my employer and my manager allowed me this time.
More soon,
XO - Amy
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
1 Week Post Op
It's been a week since I was discharged from Abbott. Already a week. Only a week.
When I first started sipping water, even the tiniest of sips was scary. If I tried to be ambitious and take a bigger sip, it would hurt all the way down and then sit and hurt behind my sternum. My assignment was to get 48 ounces of water down per day and that seemed like an unreachable goal.
However...
Sunday morning I woke up...and water wasn't as hard to drink anymore. Overnight. I filled my bottle up and brought it to church and drank the entire thing in the hour we sat there without any pain. Monday I was up to 64+ ounces - two bottles of water and one bottle of Isopure Protien. It's pretty amazing...this process and how the healing is happening.
So I'm feeling really good. One week out and the incisions are sealed up. The steri-strips are slowly pealing off. I'm bruised on the left side pretty deeply...I think that's where they clamped my liver off to the side. Lifting isn't really an issue. I can easily lift my 2 year old (27 pounds) but I won't attempt the 4 year old (35 pounds).
I've been cooking for the family. Really, I love it and I'm home right now so I have the time to prepare dinner for them. It is super challenging though...as I'm not one to make food I wouldn't eat myself. It's very hard to not even taste food while you're preparing it.
I'm frustrated by the level of support I'm receiving from my husband. I really thought that he'd be a great cheerleader. He has not said one word of encouragement since I got home. I had to ask him if he was proud of me on the way home and he said "yes" but there hasn't been any more encouragement than that and I'm really disappointed.
Weight loss to date = 30 pounds
-XO - Amy
When I first started sipping water, even the tiniest of sips was scary. If I tried to be ambitious and take a bigger sip, it would hurt all the way down and then sit and hurt behind my sternum. My assignment was to get 48 ounces of water down per day and that seemed like an unreachable goal.
However...
Sunday morning I woke up...and water wasn't as hard to drink anymore. Overnight. I filled my bottle up and brought it to church and drank the entire thing in the hour we sat there without any pain. Monday I was up to 64+ ounces - two bottles of water and one bottle of Isopure Protien. It's pretty amazing...this process and how the healing is happening.
So I'm feeling really good. One week out and the incisions are sealed up. The steri-strips are slowly pealing off. I'm bruised on the left side pretty deeply...I think that's where they clamped my liver off to the side. Lifting isn't really an issue. I can easily lift my 2 year old (27 pounds) but I won't attempt the 4 year old (35 pounds).
I've been cooking for the family. Really, I love it and I'm home right now so I have the time to prepare dinner for them. It is super challenging though...as I'm not one to make food I wouldn't eat myself. It's very hard to not even taste food while you're preparing it.
I'm frustrated by the level of support I'm receiving from my husband. I really thought that he'd be a great cheerleader. He has not said one word of encouragement since I got home. I had to ask him if he was proud of me on the way home and he said "yes" but there hasn't been any more encouragement than that and I'm really disappointed.
Weight loss to date = 30 pounds
-XO - Amy
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Surgery and Post-Op
Monday morning, the alarm went off EARLY. 4am. I had to check into the hospital at 5:30 and it's a good 45 minutes from home. Plus I had to do that insane showering regimen again. But we made it. Sunday night was strange - we dropped the two little kids off at our daycare provider's house for a sleepover and the oldest stayed at my parents house for the night. So Phil and I had a quiet night at home. I WANTED to go to bed early but that wasn't going to happen. I think I finally fell asleep at 11. Nerves. In any case, we got to the hospital and all without a hitch with the help of our village.
Prep - I was called back into my prep room first. I had to take a pregnancy test (negative) and then got into a gown that has air pockets inside it - then they hooked me up to the wall and warm air blew into the gown. It was very nice and cozy. They took some blood and then started my IV. The surgeon came in and initialed my belly - seriously, it's still there - RD. Phil and my mom came back for a little bit and then the anesthesia nurse came in and talked with us. As a friend of my mom's, I was at ease. I could not get my wedding rings off so she made an exception and allowed me to keep them on rather than cutting them off (THANK YOU!!!). Pretty soon she was loading some sedative into my IV and I was kissing my hubs goodbye. Now, I didn't want to remember any part of the OR but I do. I got myself off the rolling bed and onto the operating table. I scooted down so my feet were on this big black pad. I then sat up a bit so they could pad my neck to slip the breathing tube in. Then they gave me the oxygen mask and I took three deep breaths. The next memories are foggy but I do remember Linda saying "That's it, Amy...you're all done!!! You did great!!!" and rolling towards the recovery room. Now I guess I was in recovery for a couple hours but it didn't feel like that long at all. I was pretty out of it. Even once I got to my room, I was in and out of sleep for most of the day. I'd close my eyes and it'd feel like 5 minutes and an hour or two would pass. I did get up and walk around the nurses station several times - first with Phil and then with another nurse later when he had to leave. The hospital was not restful - every hour or so someone was coming in to check vitals, give injections (Heprin mostly and a B12), give pain meds, change out IV bags, give antibiotics, check if I peed. Tuesday morning, Dr. Drew came to visit and check things out. I was right on track to leave after lunch and that's exactly what we did.
My pain meds are now pills. Pills are difficult to swallow now. A HALF of a pain pill takes me close to a half hour to get down. I don't need more than a half because I really am not in much pain. I'm sore for sure...and there's new sensations in my belly but they're not painful. They're more pressure. Plus the pain meds give me the most bizzare dreams. Sleeping at night is strange - I can sleep sound for a couple hours at a time but seem to have a new schedule of waking up at 3am and needing to pee and then not falling back to deep sleep. My little boys do not understand the idea of 'be gentle with Momma'. My belly is bruised up but the incisions from the ports are tiny.
I have adhesive from who-knows-what stuck everywhere. On my shoulders, under my boobs, in my armpits. I'm sure thay had hoses and tubes they had to tape down but the adhesive doesn't want to come off.
I've been to Target, Costco and Aldi with my mom - who's acting as my nurse/chauffeur for the next couple weeks. It is amazing how exhausting it is to heal. A morning trip to Costco and I slept on the couch for 2 hours.
Water intake is slow and steady. I start the morning with a full 32 ounce bottle knowing I need to consume at least 60 ounces by the end of the day. And then I say to myself "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time" and take a teeny tiny sip. My sips are tiny...no doubt about that one. And I know immediately if I've taken too big of a sip. It burns and hurts for several minutes. A container of yogurt (4 oz) lasts all day.
So that's it. I'm on the other side. The recovery side. The skinny side. I'm down 16 pounds from the pre-op diet and down 4 pounds since my weigh-in weight the day of surgery. I'm going moment to moment. I dream about food when I sleep and it's not pleasant dreams.
More to come...
-XO - Amy
Sunday, June 21, 2015
The "Before" Photos...
I'm not ready to share publicly my starting weight. I'm not sure if I ever will. But it's more than most NFL Linebackers. It's enough to make horseback riding impossible and enough to make sure I never go skydiving or parasailing or ziplining. Not that I want to do any of those things but I want that decision to be mine, not determined by my size.
These photos make me really sad...because I don't see this person in the mirror. I don't necessarily see a thin person in the mirror either but I don't see someone this obese. These photos were taken at times that should have been amazing memories - vacations to DisneyWorld and Antiqua, a trip to the apple orchard. And all were great memories - but the photos make me feel sick.
I'm so ready to not be the largest person in the room. So ready to not be worried about how big my butt is. So ready to not be embarrassing to my kids because of my size.
It drives me insane when I hear very thin people say how fat they are/feel. I swear to you, walk one day in a persons shoes who is morbidly obese and you'll never ever utter those words again.
The Day/Night Before...
It's Father's Day. We spent the later morning and early afternoon on our boat - which has not been in the water in four summers. It's hard...having a boat and living on a lake where there are hundreds if not thousands of people enjoying THEIR boats when yours is sitting in a garage. Granted, we had some legit reasons for not putting it in the water - two of them are named Mason and Easton. Summer babies mean there's not a lot of summer fun had by the Momma...and they don't even MAKE newborn lifejackets. But there were also mechanical issues that kept the boat dry too. But all is well and good now...and it's in. We had a ball today. The weather couldn't have been more perfect...and the boys...well it's pretty safe to say they love the boat and being out on the water almost as much as their parents do.
Yes. The house is a disaster. Yes, I have no less than 8 loads of laundry to do. However, this thought seriously crossed my mind this morning - "If this is your last day on Earth, how more perfect of a memory can you make with the kids". Now granted, I don't expect to have today be it. I'm going to wake up tomorrow sometime around 10am and have new plumbing. Life will go on. However every major surgery has risks and the thought did cross my mind.
The little boys are sleeping at our angel daycare provider's house tonight and Logan is staying with Grandpa and Grandma, as I have to be AT the hospital at 5:30am. Dang, that's early. The fortunate thing is that my surgeon does not require a bowel prep beforehand...which allowed me to have my fun day today - otherwise I think I'd have had a very different memory of today. The little boys didn't even stop to say goodbye to me...they thought it was so cool to be going to Cheryl's at night and having her kids and all the toys all to themselves.
I've been cooking and that part is hard. I made a strawberry pie yesterday - one of my most favorite things ever in the world. The Farmer's Market had Minnesota grown strawberries and I thought I'd make a pie for Phil for Father's Day. Dang that's hard to do without a single lick...not a single taste. I also got up today and made scrambled eggs with bacon and hashbrowns. It looked amazing and smelled even better. Some situations are easier than others for me to overcome food. And after the fact, it feels empowering. However at the time - it sucks. Drinking broth while my family enjoys a Shrimp Pasta dinner is painful.
I'm scared. I'm excited for the outcome and the results that are to come but for the immediate future, I'm scared. I have to take a long shower tonight - doctor's orders - and use a half a bottle of anti-bacterial soap. That's a heck of a lot of soap!!! Tomorrow morning, I have to get up and do the same thing. It cuts down on incision infections and things like MERSA. Gross. Never would have even thought of that as a concern until a friend's uncle died of complications from MERSA. Yup...better to just take the big long shower with all the soap. I'm very distracted and feel like I'm wandering aimlessly around my house doing nothing because I forget my intentions. Craziness.
Anyway - I'll write from the other side. I'm starving but tonight is the last time I'll probably feel hunger. Isn't that weird? Ready for tomorrow and Tuesday to be behind me and life on the other side to begin!!
Yes. The house is a disaster. Yes, I have no less than 8 loads of laundry to do. However, this thought seriously crossed my mind this morning - "If this is your last day on Earth, how more perfect of a memory can you make with the kids". Now granted, I don't expect to have today be it. I'm going to wake up tomorrow sometime around 10am and have new plumbing. Life will go on. However every major surgery has risks and the thought did cross my mind.
The little boys are sleeping at our angel daycare provider's house tonight and Logan is staying with Grandpa and Grandma, as I have to be AT the hospital at 5:30am. Dang, that's early. The fortunate thing is that my surgeon does not require a bowel prep beforehand...which allowed me to have my fun day today - otherwise I think I'd have had a very different memory of today. The little boys didn't even stop to say goodbye to me...they thought it was so cool to be going to Cheryl's at night and having her kids and all the toys all to themselves.
I've been cooking and that part is hard. I made a strawberry pie yesterday - one of my most favorite things ever in the world. The Farmer's Market had Minnesota grown strawberries and I thought I'd make a pie for Phil for Father's Day. Dang that's hard to do without a single lick...not a single taste. I also got up today and made scrambled eggs with bacon and hashbrowns. It looked amazing and smelled even better. Some situations are easier than others for me to overcome food. And after the fact, it feels empowering. However at the time - it sucks. Drinking broth while my family enjoys a Shrimp Pasta dinner is painful.
I'm scared. I'm excited for the outcome and the results that are to come but for the immediate future, I'm scared. I have to take a long shower tonight - doctor's orders - and use a half a bottle of anti-bacterial soap. That's a heck of a lot of soap!!! Tomorrow morning, I have to get up and do the same thing. It cuts down on incision infections and things like MERSA. Gross. Never would have even thought of that as a concern until a friend's uncle died of complications from MERSA. Yup...better to just take the big long shower with all the soap. I'm very distracted and feel like I'm wandering aimlessly around my house doing nothing because I forget my intentions. Craziness.
Anyway - I'll write from the other side. I'm starving but tonight is the last time I'll probably feel hunger. Isn't that weird? Ready for tomorrow and Tuesday to be behind me and life on the other side to begin!!
Friday, June 19, 2015
Last Day of Work Pre-Op
Today is my last day of work for two weeks. It's a strange feeling - it's not quite the same as leaving on a Maternity Leave because no one really knows why I'm going to be out. I haven't told the guys I work with anything aside from "I'm having some surgery and need to be home for 2 weeks for recovery". They all nod and move on. If they're curious, they aren't asking which is fine by me.
I DID tell the members of our Church Council last night when we were closing in prayer. It's a group I trust. And it felt good to have them pray over me. I'm excited to donate my current wardrobe to the Church Rummage Sale later this summer - how cool would it be to pack up my entire closet and give that money to church?
So now all that's left is to enjoy (?) my CLEAR liquid diet for the next 3 days and try not to catch the Strep Throat that my two youngest have. This is no small feat either - because at age 38 I still manager to get Strep at least once a year and as a mom, you're just in the germs no matter how hard you try to avoid them. My two year old just wants to be held and snuggle...and how can you turn that offer down? His feverish little body laying on me, sweet toddler hair on my cheek. And I picture the germs throwing themselves off his lips and onto my face.
BUT -
What's the worst that happens if I do get sick? My surgery gets bumped. That's all. I've come this far. I know I can do the liquid diet. I have no control over much of this so I'm washing hands often and hoping for the best. Yes, I'd be disappointed but I've been disappointed before. I survived.
Yes, I'm still nervous. Yes, I'm still excited. I just want Monday over with already. Let the healing begin.
I DID tell the members of our Church Council last night when we were closing in prayer. It's a group I trust. And it felt good to have them pray over me. I'm excited to donate my current wardrobe to the Church Rummage Sale later this summer - how cool would it be to pack up my entire closet and give that money to church?
So now all that's left is to enjoy (?) my CLEAR liquid diet for the next 3 days and try not to catch the Strep Throat that my two youngest have. This is no small feat either - because at age 38 I still manager to get Strep at least once a year and as a mom, you're just in the germs no matter how hard you try to avoid them. My two year old just wants to be held and snuggle...and how can you turn that offer down? His feverish little body laying on me, sweet toddler hair on my cheek. And I picture the germs throwing themselves off his lips and onto my face.
BUT -
What's the worst that happens if I do get sick? My surgery gets bumped. That's all. I've come this far. I know I can do the liquid diet. I have no control over much of this so I'm washing hands often and hoping for the best. Yes, I'd be disappointed but I've been disappointed before. I survived.
Yes, I'm still nervous. Yes, I'm still excited. I just want Monday over with already. Let the healing begin.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Almost there
I *may* have cheated on this liquid diet thing. I'm not 100% sure but I did have a piece of gum on Friday night - purely because I was out of water and my breath is the stinkiest thing ever - like I'm offended by my own breath. Not good. I also had a Bolthouse Breakfast Smoothie this morning. They're delicious but I think it had more sugar than I'm supposed to be having right now. However, other than those two things, I'm very proud to report that there has not been a single conscience cheat so far on this liquid diet. My liver should be teeny tiny when this is all over.
I'm also a little perplexed that my colon has become so slow on the liquid diet. I wasn't dreaming this would be a problem but it is!! And it's kind of a bummer because in the months leading up to this surgery, I had incorporated Chia Seeds into my morning routine and lemme tell ya, they work AWESOME at making things very regular for me. So as of today, I miss my Chia. A lot.
I also learned that I will have a personal connection to my Anesthesia Nurse. She's a friend of my mom and she made sure to schedule both herself and her favorite Anesthesiologist for my surgery. This is so completely comforting to me. I don't know why - I'm sure she takes good care of all her patients...but having a friendly face with me makes the fear seem a little more manageable.
Then right in the middle of writing this post, the hospital called with my pre-op call. No, I'm still not allergic to latex. Yes, I know where to go in the hospital when I arrive. No, I haven't gotten sick since my pre-op physical. Yes, I plan on filling out my Health Care Directive (however that is a very scary document to fill out...very morbid...very thought provoking).
Still fluctuating between extremely excited and crap-my-pants scared. A thought crossed my mind this morning that is a little fun to think about - my 20 Year Class Reunion is August 1. Will ANYthing in my closet fit or will I just HAVE to go shopping for a new outfit?? God, please make nothing fit. Even if I wear the outfit once. No one at the event will know either way but I will and I sure hope I'm in some new duds!!
-XO - Amy
I'm also a little perplexed that my colon has become so slow on the liquid diet. I wasn't dreaming this would be a problem but it is!! And it's kind of a bummer because in the months leading up to this surgery, I had incorporated Chia Seeds into my morning routine and lemme tell ya, they work AWESOME at making things very regular for me. So as of today, I miss my Chia. A lot.
I also learned that I will have a personal connection to my Anesthesia Nurse. She's a friend of my mom and she made sure to schedule both herself and her favorite Anesthesiologist for my surgery. This is so completely comforting to me. I don't know why - I'm sure she takes good care of all her patients...but having a friendly face with me makes the fear seem a little more manageable.
Then right in the middle of writing this post, the hospital called with my pre-op call. No, I'm still not allergic to latex. Yes, I know where to go in the hospital when I arrive. No, I haven't gotten sick since my pre-op physical. Yes, I plan on filling out my Health Care Directive (however that is a very scary document to fill out...very morbid...very thought provoking).
Still fluctuating between extremely excited and crap-my-pants scared. A thought crossed my mind this morning that is a little fun to think about - my 20 Year Class Reunion is August 1. Will ANYthing in my closet fit or will I just HAVE to go shopping for a new outfit?? God, please make nothing fit. Even if I wear the outfit once. No one at the event will know either way but I will and I sure hope I'm in some new duds!!
-XO - Amy
Monday, June 15, 2015
One Week Closer
One week to go.
This also means I've been on the liquid diet for one week. The first 3 days were really hard. Can't say it any clearer than that. Really f-ing hard. And now 7 days in, it's still hard but not AS hard. The trip to Target to broaden my selection of liquid options helped a lot - I found savory and sweet options which helped my tastebuds out a bit. Broth gets really old fast. I still want to chew on something...my teeth feel weird after not being used much during the week.
Phil and I went to a concert on Friday night and had a good time. He ran into some people he knew from college and from work. I was drinking water - and to be honest, I think that people must have assumed I am pregnant because I wasn't drinking. That's what I would assume if someone ordered water at a concert. But whatever. We had fun. We also had a 'clear the air' conversation when I didn't want to stay in Rochester to have lunch with his parents. Phil thought that "liquid diet" meant I could still chew things up to applesauce consistency and that would be fine. I said "No...liquid diet means LIQUID. No chewing. Nothing with texture. Have you been listening to me at all??? I do not want to sit and watch everyone around me eating. That is not fun for me." I felt very neglected. Very UNsupported. Very upset. I'm sure this is one of only many 'clarification' sessions we will need but it was really disappointing. The statistic for divorce after bypass is 80-85%. That's a LOT of divorces. That's a lot of miscommunication. I do not want to be a part of that statistic but I also realize I'm going to have to work extra hard to not be included in it. I hope our conversation was a wake-up call for Phil to make a bigger effort to be aware of this process for me...what step I'm on and what that means for our family.
So one week from now I'll be done - in recovery and have new plumbing. Scary? Yup. Exciting? Yup.
This also means I've been on the liquid diet for one week. The first 3 days were really hard. Can't say it any clearer than that. Really f-ing hard. And now 7 days in, it's still hard but not AS hard. The trip to Target to broaden my selection of liquid options helped a lot - I found savory and sweet options which helped my tastebuds out a bit. Broth gets really old fast. I still want to chew on something...my teeth feel weird after not being used much during the week.
Phil and I went to a concert on Friday night and had a good time. He ran into some people he knew from college and from work. I was drinking water - and to be honest, I think that people must have assumed I am pregnant because I wasn't drinking. That's what I would assume if someone ordered water at a concert. But whatever. We had fun. We also had a 'clear the air' conversation when I didn't want to stay in Rochester to have lunch with his parents. Phil thought that "liquid diet" meant I could still chew things up to applesauce consistency and that would be fine. I said "No...liquid diet means LIQUID. No chewing. Nothing with texture. Have you been listening to me at all??? I do not want to sit and watch everyone around me eating. That is not fun for me." I felt very neglected. Very UNsupported. Very upset. I'm sure this is one of only many 'clarification' sessions we will need but it was really disappointing. The statistic for divorce after bypass is 80-85%. That's a LOT of divorces. That's a lot of miscommunication. I do not want to be a part of that statistic but I also realize I'm going to have to work extra hard to not be included in it. I hope our conversation was a wake-up call for Phil to make a bigger effort to be aware of this process for me...what step I'm on and what that means for our family.
So one week from now I'll be done - in recovery and have new plumbing. Scary? Yup. Exciting? Yup.
Friday, June 12, 2015
Pre-Op Class and Physical
Yesterday, my mom and I attended the mandatory pre-op class for Bariatric patients at Abbott. There were 16 people having bariatric surgery in the next two weeks in the class...and four procedures represented. In one respect, it was comforting that there are people - at least 16 of them - who are going thru the same process as I am at the same time. Liquid diet, roller coaster emotions. During a break, we compared notes on the best tasting protein drinks. It almost felt normal.
However, the class was a total reality check. A video we watched walked thru the entire process of anesthesia from the start of the IV thru recovery. Every wire, tube, monitor, procedure. Putting in the breathing tube. Tying your arms down. Tilting the bed (a fact I didn't know until yesterday) - I'll actually be strapped to the table and then the table will tilt to about a 45 degree angle so I'll be kind of standing/leaning on it during the actual surgery. It scared me. A lot. Not enough to quit the process but enough to know that whenever they start offering the sedatives, I'm taking them! I don't want to remember being strapped to the table. I don't want to remember the cold OR. Please knock me out ASAP.
The pre-op physical went perfect. I'm ready, physically. I see a nurse practitioner and she's awesome and super encouraging. She strongly encouraged me to talk to my OB after surgery about an IUD...which I thought was interesting since Phil took the permanency route for himself but her reasoning behind suggesting an IUD make sense and it'll cut down on my need for Advil monthly, which is now a complete no-no for me. I'll definitely think about it.
I've survived on the liquid diet for 4 full and one half days. Water, Broth, sugar free Jello and sugar free pudding. V8. Vitamin Water Zero. Sugar Free Popsicles. Fat Free Greek yogurt. And of course, protein shakes. The first two days were hell. I was so crabby I felt sorry for my kids. The reason for the liquid diet is to shrink the liver as much as possible before surgery because the surgeon will be working behind it and will need to move it out of the way. If it's still large and full, it's harder to move. Also, as I learned yesterday, if they go in and take a look and see that your liver isn't small enough, they'll back out and stop the surgery. SO...this is all for a good cause and it works. I'm down 9 pounds in 4.5 days. No other diet I've ever tried has given me such results. I stopped at Target yesterday and picked up some new flavors of broth...new non-carbonated-sugar free beverages for some variety. The hardest time of day is actually dinner time when I'm serving my kids real food. It really raises my anxiety to even get food on my skin now...it's like the ultimate test of will-power. But so far, not even a lick. God help me.
Tonight, Phil and I are off to a concert and overnight away from the boys. This, too, will prove challenging. The life I'm saying goodbye to would have used this opprotunity to have a few drinks and have a nice dinner. I honestly don't know if I can sit in a restaurant and watch Phil eat right now. I do think I can enjoy a concert without alcohol. So I'm going to focus on that. And once I get to Saturday afternoon and I realize how I made it thru a sticky situation, I will feel proud. I'm allowed to feel proud. Change isn't easy and it isn't fun but it's necessary and this evening will give me a preview of life to come. I got this.
However, the class was a total reality check. A video we watched walked thru the entire process of anesthesia from the start of the IV thru recovery. Every wire, tube, monitor, procedure. Putting in the breathing tube. Tying your arms down. Tilting the bed (a fact I didn't know until yesterday) - I'll actually be strapped to the table and then the table will tilt to about a 45 degree angle so I'll be kind of standing/leaning on it during the actual surgery. It scared me. A lot. Not enough to quit the process but enough to know that whenever they start offering the sedatives, I'm taking them! I don't want to remember being strapped to the table. I don't want to remember the cold OR. Please knock me out ASAP.
The pre-op physical went perfect. I'm ready, physically. I see a nurse practitioner and she's awesome and super encouraging. She strongly encouraged me to talk to my OB after surgery about an IUD...which I thought was interesting since Phil took the permanency route for himself but her reasoning behind suggesting an IUD make sense and it'll cut down on my need for Advil monthly, which is now a complete no-no for me. I'll definitely think about it.
I've survived on the liquid diet for 4 full and one half days. Water, Broth, sugar free Jello and sugar free pudding. V8. Vitamin Water Zero. Sugar Free Popsicles. Fat Free Greek yogurt. And of course, protein shakes. The first two days were hell. I was so crabby I felt sorry for my kids. The reason for the liquid diet is to shrink the liver as much as possible before surgery because the surgeon will be working behind it and will need to move it out of the way. If it's still large and full, it's harder to move. Also, as I learned yesterday, if they go in and take a look and see that your liver isn't small enough, they'll back out and stop the surgery. SO...this is all for a good cause and it works. I'm down 9 pounds in 4.5 days. No other diet I've ever tried has given me such results. I stopped at Target yesterday and picked up some new flavors of broth...new non-carbonated-sugar free beverages for some variety. The hardest time of day is actually dinner time when I'm serving my kids real food. It really raises my anxiety to even get food on my skin now...it's like the ultimate test of will-power. But so far, not even a lick. God help me.
Tonight, Phil and I are off to a concert and overnight away from the boys. This, too, will prove challenging. The life I'm saying goodbye to would have used this opprotunity to have a few drinks and have a nice dinner. I honestly don't know if I can sit in a restaurant and watch Phil eat right now. I do think I can enjoy a concert without alcohol. So I'm going to focus on that. And once I get to Saturday afternoon and I realize how I made it thru a sticky situation, I will feel proud. I'm allowed to feel proud. Change isn't easy and it isn't fun but it's necessary and this evening will give me a preview of life to come. I got this.
Friday, June 5, 2015
Pre-surgery Diet coming soon
On Monday, I start my pre-op diet - liquids only for 2 weeks.
To say this is going to suck is an understatement. It's going to SUCK. However, I'm focusing on the end result. No. I'm focusing on the long-term result. It's for a good cause. I'm just doubting my own will-power and ability to stick to liquids only for 2 entire weeks.
God help me.
To say this is going to suck is an understatement. It's going to SUCK. However, I'm focusing on the end result. No. I'm focusing on the long-term result. It's for a good cause. I'm just doubting my own will-power and ability to stick to liquids only for 2 entire weeks.
God help me.
Monday, June 1, 2015
Butterflies
Three weeks from today...right now...it'll all be over. Way over, in fact, as my surgery time is 7:30am and the procedure takes approximately an hour and a half.
One week from today, I start my two-weeks of liquids only diet. Doesn't that sound like fun?? The purpose is to shrink your liver as much as possible to make more room for the docs to work. Sounds fair enough but 2 weeks?? That's a long time. However it's probably a good thing since I'll be on the same liquid diet for a while after the surgery too.
I swing from being extremely excited to being scared out of my mind about this process. What I fear most (and this is probably normal) is failure. Because let's face it, I've failed at every diet I've ever tried or I wouldn't be where I am. I'm used to failing at this. So what I've been doing is Googling "Gastric Bypass Before and After Photos". Because I need to see what I can hope for - what people who have struggled like I have are achieving by going down this same path. And I joined an online forum for Bariatric patients and I'm reading their struggles and successes and helpful advice. They are succeeding. Hundreds of people who have had bariatric surgery are losing weight...and supporting each other. AND...AND...they're not losing a 'little weight' but losing 30 pounds in the first month?? 100 pounds in the first 8 months? It's amazing. And from what I'm reading, it's not going to be that bad. And if it is, I can post about it and someone will have been there and will help me thru it. Not that dissimilar to my Mommy forum I joined (ans still belong to) when I had my first son...when I was scared of pregnancy and newborn-hood. And guess what? I made it thru that...with flying colors...and I can do this too...
I'm also suddenly very conscience of food everywhere I go. How much of it is everywhere. How much everyone is centered on it. Being as my surgery is in the summer, and Minnesotans seem to come out of their shells in the summer, my calendar is already full of events post-surgery...and I'm already kind of nervous about how I'll handle them. Internal dialogue goes on like this "There's going to be food there. I can't eat food. How will I be social? What if I just stay home? That's no fun...I want to go....but I'm scared..." and I'm not even there yet. Maybe I'll be feeling so fabulous without XX lbs on my frame that it won't even be an issue. Like most things in my life, I'm really hoping that the fear of the unknown is why I'm anxious about this - that after the first event, I'll get over myself and they'll be no big deal.
I don't have any tattoos. I don't mind them - I have tattoo envy every now and again - but they're so PERMANENT. If you choose the wrong art or the wrong placement or the wrong colors or whatever, it's not nail polish. You can't go and scrub it off and re-do it. My RNY is my tattoo. It's forever. No reversing it. No re-doing it. And it's going to hurt, and it's going to take some getting used to but just like my tattooed friends, once it's there, it will just be a part of who I am. I won't think about it anymore. It will be absorbed into me. Cannot wait for THAT day to come.
-XO - Amy
One week from today, I start my two-weeks of liquids only diet. Doesn't that sound like fun?? The purpose is to shrink your liver as much as possible to make more room for the docs to work. Sounds fair enough but 2 weeks?? That's a long time. However it's probably a good thing since I'll be on the same liquid diet for a while after the surgery too.
I swing from being extremely excited to being scared out of my mind about this process. What I fear most (and this is probably normal) is failure. Because let's face it, I've failed at every diet I've ever tried or I wouldn't be where I am. I'm used to failing at this. So what I've been doing is Googling "Gastric Bypass Before and After Photos". Because I need to see what I can hope for - what people who have struggled like I have are achieving by going down this same path. And I joined an online forum for Bariatric patients and I'm reading their struggles and successes and helpful advice. They are succeeding. Hundreds of people who have had bariatric surgery are losing weight...and supporting each other. AND...AND...they're not losing a 'little weight' but losing 30 pounds in the first month?? 100 pounds in the first 8 months? It's amazing. And from what I'm reading, it's not going to be that bad. And if it is, I can post about it and someone will have been there and will help me thru it. Not that dissimilar to my Mommy forum I joined (ans still belong to) when I had my first son...when I was scared of pregnancy and newborn-hood. And guess what? I made it thru that...with flying colors...and I can do this too...
I'm also suddenly very conscience of food everywhere I go. How much of it is everywhere. How much everyone is centered on it. Being as my surgery is in the summer, and Minnesotans seem to come out of their shells in the summer, my calendar is already full of events post-surgery...and I'm already kind of nervous about how I'll handle them. Internal dialogue goes on like this "There's going to be food there. I can't eat food. How will I be social? What if I just stay home? That's no fun...I want to go....but I'm scared..." and I'm not even there yet. Maybe I'll be feeling so fabulous without XX lbs on my frame that it won't even be an issue. Like most things in my life, I'm really hoping that the fear of the unknown is why I'm anxious about this - that after the first event, I'll get over myself and they'll be no big deal.
I don't have any tattoos. I don't mind them - I have tattoo envy every now and again - but they're so PERMANENT. If you choose the wrong art or the wrong placement or the wrong colors or whatever, it's not nail polish. You can't go and scrub it off and re-do it. My RNY is my tattoo. It's forever. No reversing it. No re-doing it. And it's going to hurt, and it's going to take some getting used to but just like my tattooed friends, once it's there, it will just be a part of who I am. I won't think about it anymore. It will be absorbed into me. Cannot wait for THAT day to come.
-XO - Amy
Friday, May 29, 2015
Inspiration
I'm never going to be a proud fat girl. It's safe to say that I'm never going to shop in Lane Bryant with pride. I'm never going to consider myself sexy at a size 24. People Magazine has a Size 22 Super Model on their cover this week. Good for her - she is beautiful and obviously comfortable in her skin as she is. There are women who own their size and love themselves and that is awesome. However I will never be me in my current body. In my dreams at night, I'm not heavy...I'm a healthy, slim, fit, muscular lady who runs as if her feet never touch the ground. That's the feeling I'm trying to capture and turn the dream into reality.
I have a second cousin who had her 'stomach stapled' twenty years ago or more. She is gorgeous - regardless of size - and an incredibly strong person. She is also the single person I knew who had bariatric surgery in my life for a very long time.
Then, because of the power of Facebook, I learned that someone I've known since they were born had also had gastric bypass - and again, she's always been gorgeous but since her surgery she's literally radiating happiness.
Megan Kuhlman. Her grandparents and my grandparents were best friends for 50 years - lived in the same neighborhood, kids went to school together, went to church together and sang in the choir together, went on trips together - they were tight. Megan is a younger than I am by less than 3 years. I literally have known her since she was born. Outgoing, FUN, intelligent, kind, honest, humorous, loyal - she's pretty special, to say the least. Megan truly followed her dreams and moved to LA after high school to pursue acting...and though it's not her sole source of income, she was cast in the role of Hildenburg in the film "The Hot Chick"...and I think it's safe to say that her weight/size at that time played a part in her landing that role. I'm super proud of her and I think it's frickin' awesome that she did it - moved across the country and is doing her thing and not allowing fear of failure to stop her...but when I learned about her decision to have a Roux-en-Y, I wanted to jump on a plane to talk to her about it. Because I knew she wouldn't hide a single aspect - she'd give it to me straight. She'd tell the good, the bad and the ugly. And when she posted photos of herself one year past surgery - holding her pre-surgery jeans and standing in one leg while holding the other - and the look on her face - my heart wanted to leap out of my chest with sheer joy for her and at the same time, I had a rush of intense jealousy. She did it...she, yet again, didn't allow fear to hold her back and just did it. And she made it through. And she's radiating beauty and happiness and contentment.
So I sent Mego a text as I was waiting for my first Nutritionist appointment. My inspiration. Letting her know that I'd made the decision - because of her.
And a flurry of texts followed - and I knew I was making the right decision. Because for all the horror stories you hear about Gastric Bypass, there are MORE successes. There are MORE people saying "my only regret is that I waited so long" and "best decision I ever made".
Now, after further discussions I've learned that Megan's journey was not easy. She, as she put it, won the 'side effects lottery' and ended up with several very icky things happening in her recovery - and DESPITE that, she STILL says she should have had the surgery sooner.
Megan is my inspiration. She has shown me that surgery is a personal decision but for those of us who need major help, it's a real option. As she told me, surgery helped her easily lose the weight so she could switch her focus on becoming healthy. "Getting out of your own way" as she put it. How interesting to seperate those two concepts, a our culture associates thin with healthy - they're one in the same. However for Gastric Bypass patients, this isn't necessarily the case. I'm so excited to feel like I'm winning in health. So incredibly excited.
-XO - Amy
I have a second cousin who had her 'stomach stapled' twenty years ago or more. She is gorgeous - regardless of size - and an incredibly strong person. She is also the single person I knew who had bariatric surgery in my life for a very long time.
Then, because of the power of Facebook, I learned that someone I've known since they were born had also had gastric bypass - and again, she's always been gorgeous but since her surgery she's literally radiating happiness.
Megan Kuhlman. Her grandparents and my grandparents were best friends for 50 years - lived in the same neighborhood, kids went to school together, went to church together and sang in the choir together, went on trips together - they were tight. Megan is a younger than I am by less than 3 years. I literally have known her since she was born. Outgoing, FUN, intelligent, kind, honest, humorous, loyal - she's pretty special, to say the least. Megan truly followed her dreams and moved to LA after high school to pursue acting...and though it's not her sole source of income, she was cast in the role of Hildenburg in the film "The Hot Chick"...and I think it's safe to say that her weight/size at that time played a part in her landing that role. I'm super proud of her and I think it's frickin' awesome that she did it - moved across the country and is doing her thing and not allowing fear of failure to stop her...but when I learned about her decision to have a Roux-en-Y, I wanted to jump on a plane to talk to her about it. Because I knew she wouldn't hide a single aspect - she'd give it to me straight. She'd tell the good, the bad and the ugly. And when she posted photos of herself one year past surgery - holding her pre-surgery jeans and standing in one leg while holding the other - and the look on her face - my heart wanted to leap out of my chest with sheer joy for her and at the same time, I had a rush of intense jealousy. She did it...she, yet again, didn't allow fear to hold her back and just did it. And she made it through. And she's radiating beauty and happiness and contentment.
So I sent Mego a text as I was waiting for my first Nutritionist appointment. My inspiration. Letting her know that I'd made the decision - because of her.
And a flurry of texts followed - and I knew I was making the right decision. Because for all the horror stories you hear about Gastric Bypass, there are MORE successes. There are MORE people saying "my only regret is that I waited so long" and "best decision I ever made".
Now, after further discussions I've learned that Megan's journey was not easy. She, as she put it, won the 'side effects lottery' and ended up with several very icky things happening in her recovery - and DESPITE that, she STILL says she should have had the surgery sooner.
Megan is my inspiration. She has shown me that surgery is a personal decision but for those of us who need major help, it's a real option. As she told me, surgery helped her easily lose the weight so she could switch her focus on becoming healthy. "Getting out of your own way" as she put it. How interesting to seperate those two concepts, a our culture associates thin with healthy - they're one in the same. However for Gastric Bypass patients, this isn't necessarily the case. I'm so excited to feel like I'm winning in health. So incredibly excited.
-XO - Amy
Thursday, May 28, 2015
The Journey of a Thousand Miles....
That's the quote, right?
"The Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with the First Step"?
The backstory leading up to the 'first step' is a long one...but the abbreviated version goes something like this : I don't know what it feels like to love your body. I may have known once...but it was so long ago and I was so young that I cannot remember. I know this because by age 8, I was enrolled in my first diet program. My mom signed me up for "The Body Shop" at Methodist Hospital when I went from being the skinniest girl to the roundest student in the second grade from September to Christmas. Her intentions were good - it was coming from a good place - but the message my 8 year old brain received was "You're fat. You're not good. You must change".
"The Body Shop" was just the first of decades worth of diets/programs/promises-to-change. The Monday Morning Start was every single Monday for years upon years of my life. Yes, there have been successes. I've lost weight and felt great...but then gained more back and felt worthless...many times over. The true problem is that I have an actual relationship with food. I know my triggers; I eat when I'm lonely. I eat when I'm stressed. I eat when I feel out of control. Food is there, always by my side. Always ready to hang out. Constant companion.
I do have an amazing body. I know this because I have three beautiful boys who lived in it for 9 months each. All three then lived off my amazing body for months afterwards as I provided their food. That. Is. Amazing.
But when your second grader asks you to stop volunteering at school because he is embarrassed by your size, when you can no longer buy a stitch of clothing in a 'normal' store and even the Plus Sizes are feeling snug, or when you can't remember the last time your own husband touched you because you know he's disgusted by your 'softness'...things start to change.
Since the birth of my third son, something has slowly evolved within me. My body is now my own again. No one is relying on it or residing in it. And I still have a whole bunch of life to live. And my boys deserve a healthy mom. A mom who can keep up with them. So, on a date night one night after a couple glasses of wine, I asked my husband Phil how he would feel if I had gastric bypass. In my head, I'd already decided he was going to think it was a horrible idea - I was strong enough to lose the weight on my own - I just needed to exercise more and eat less. Surgery was for the weak. However, he did not say that at all. In fact, he just about blew me off my seat when he said "I think you should look into it". He'd seen my struggles. He'd seen my defeats. He met me at one of my all-time low weights in adulthood and seen what two pregnancies can do. Being a not-small person, he also identifies with the struggle. I had his support...110%...all the way.
Of course, I sat on that information for a while. Still holding out hope that the next wave of motivation would push me into size 6 jeans and a 180 degree turn around in lifestyle. But that didn't happen. So in September of 2014, I made an initial consultation with a Bariatric Surgeon (Dr. Drew). He explained the entire process - which wasn't going to be quick at 6 months minimum. And at the end of the appointment, he deemed me an 'ideal candidate' to continue the process. So I made the appointments. 6 months of dietitian consultations. 2 meetings with an exercise physiologist. Psychological testing. I've completed it all and I'm still the 'ideal candidate'. Insurance approved. Surgery is scheduled for June 22 at 7:30am.
I'm going to maintain this blog during my gastric bypass journey for myself because I know there are going to be really hard times ahead when I wonder what the hell I was thinking by going this route...but I am also going to want to celebrate how far I've come...and documenting the process will help me with both. Read what you want, comment what you want, but please know that the main audience for this is me. Your love, prayers, support is 100% appreciated. This is the path I chose for ME. Welcome to the journey...
XO - Amy
"The Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with the First Step"?
The backstory leading up to the 'first step' is a long one...but the abbreviated version goes something like this : I don't know what it feels like to love your body. I may have known once...but it was so long ago and I was so young that I cannot remember. I know this because by age 8, I was enrolled in my first diet program. My mom signed me up for "The Body Shop" at Methodist Hospital when I went from being the skinniest girl to the roundest student in the second grade from September to Christmas. Her intentions were good - it was coming from a good place - but the message my 8 year old brain received was "You're fat. You're not good. You must change".
"The Body Shop" was just the first of decades worth of diets/programs/promises-to-change. The Monday Morning Start was every single Monday for years upon years of my life. Yes, there have been successes. I've lost weight and felt great...but then gained more back and felt worthless...many times over. The true problem is that I have an actual relationship with food. I know my triggers; I eat when I'm lonely. I eat when I'm stressed. I eat when I feel out of control. Food is there, always by my side. Always ready to hang out. Constant companion.
I do have an amazing body. I know this because I have three beautiful boys who lived in it for 9 months each. All three then lived off my amazing body for months afterwards as I provided their food. That. Is. Amazing.
But when your second grader asks you to stop volunteering at school because he is embarrassed by your size, when you can no longer buy a stitch of clothing in a 'normal' store and even the Plus Sizes are feeling snug, or when you can't remember the last time your own husband touched you because you know he's disgusted by your 'softness'...things start to change.
Since the birth of my third son, something has slowly evolved within me. My body is now my own again. No one is relying on it or residing in it. And I still have a whole bunch of life to live. And my boys deserve a healthy mom. A mom who can keep up with them. So, on a date night one night after a couple glasses of wine, I asked my husband Phil how he would feel if I had gastric bypass. In my head, I'd already decided he was going to think it was a horrible idea - I was strong enough to lose the weight on my own - I just needed to exercise more and eat less. Surgery was for the weak. However, he did not say that at all. In fact, he just about blew me off my seat when he said "I think you should look into it". He'd seen my struggles. He'd seen my defeats. He met me at one of my all-time low weights in adulthood and seen what two pregnancies can do. Being a not-small person, he also identifies with the struggle. I had his support...110%...all the way.
Of course, I sat on that information for a while. Still holding out hope that the next wave of motivation would push me into size 6 jeans and a 180 degree turn around in lifestyle. But that didn't happen. So in September of 2014, I made an initial consultation with a Bariatric Surgeon (Dr. Drew). He explained the entire process - which wasn't going to be quick at 6 months minimum. And at the end of the appointment, he deemed me an 'ideal candidate' to continue the process. So I made the appointments. 6 months of dietitian consultations. 2 meetings with an exercise physiologist. Psychological testing. I've completed it all and I'm still the 'ideal candidate'. Insurance approved. Surgery is scheduled for June 22 at 7:30am.
I'm going to maintain this blog during my gastric bypass journey for myself because I know there are going to be really hard times ahead when I wonder what the hell I was thinking by going this route...but I am also going to want to celebrate how far I've come...and documenting the process will help me with both. Read what you want, comment what you want, but please know that the main audience for this is me. Your love, prayers, support is 100% appreciated. This is the path I chose for ME. Welcome to the journey...
XO - Amy
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