The Journey of a Thousand Miles....

That's the quote, right?

"The Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with the First Step"?

The backstory leading up to the 'first step' is a long one...but the abbreviated version goes something like this : I don't know what it feels like to love your body.  I may have known once...but it was so long ago and I was so young that I cannot remember.  I know this because by age 8, I was enrolled in my first diet program.   My mom signed me up for "The Body Shop" at Methodist Hospital when I went from being the skinniest girl to the roundest student in the second grade from September to Christmas.  Her intentions were good - it was coming from a good place - but the message my 8 year old brain received was "You're fat.  You're not good.  You must change".

"The Body Shop" was just the first of decades worth of diets/programs/promises-to-change.  The Monday Morning Start was every single Monday for years upon years of my life.  Yes, there have been successes.  I've lost weight and felt great...but then gained more back and felt worthless...many times over.  The true problem is that I have an actual relationship with food.  I know my triggers; I eat when I'm lonely.  I eat when I'm stressed.  I eat when I feel out of control.  Food is there, always by my side.  Always ready to hang out.  Constant companion.

I do have an amazing body.  I know this because I have three beautiful boys who lived in it for 9 months each.  All three then lived off my amazing body for months afterwards as I provided their food.  That. Is. Amazing.

But when your second grader asks you to stop volunteering at school because he is embarrassed by your size, when you can no longer buy a stitch of clothing in a 'normal' store and even the Plus Sizes are feeling snug, or when you can't remember the last time your own husband touched you because you know he's disgusted by your 'softness'...things start to change.

Since the birth of my third son, something has slowly evolved within me.  My body is now my own again.  No one is relying on it or residing in it.  And I still have a whole bunch of life to live.  And my boys deserve a healthy mom.  A mom who can keep up with them.  So, on a date night one night after a couple glasses of wine, I asked my husband Phil how he would feel if I had gastric bypass.  In my head, I'd already decided he was going to think it was a horrible idea - I was strong enough to lose the weight on my own - I just needed to exercise more and eat less.  Surgery was for the weak.  However, he did not say that at all.  In fact, he just about blew me off my seat when he said "I think you should look into it".  He'd seen my struggles.  He'd seen my defeats.  He met me at one of my all-time low weights in adulthood and seen what two pregnancies can do.  Being a not-small person, he also identifies with the struggle.  I had his support...110%...all the way.

Of course, I sat on that information for a while.  Still holding out hope that the next wave of motivation would push me into size 6 jeans and a 180 degree turn around in lifestyle.  But that didn't happen.  So in September of 2014, I made an initial consultation with a Bariatric Surgeon (Dr. Drew).  He explained the entire process - which wasn't going to be quick at 6 months minimum.  And at the end of the appointment, he deemed me an 'ideal candidate' to continue the process.  So I made the appointments.  6 months of dietitian consultations.  2 meetings with an exercise physiologist.  Psychological testing.  I've completed it all and I'm still the 'ideal candidate'.  Insurance approved.  Surgery is scheduled for June 22 at 7:30am.

I'm going to maintain this blog during my gastric bypass journey for myself because I know there are going to be really hard times ahead when I wonder what the hell I was thinking by going this route...but I am also going to want to celebrate how far I've come...and documenting the process will help me with both.  Read what you want, comment what you want, but please know that the main audience for this is me.  Your love, prayers, support is 100% appreciated.   This is the path I chose for ME.  Welcome to the journey...

XO - Amy