My driver's license is now accurate. Crazy how much that bothered me. Crazy that I thought I could pass for that weight 68 pounds ago. Crazy the lies you can tell yourself when you struggle with something...crazy what you'll believe.
Is the struggle over? Nope. Not in the slightest. I was home with my boys all weekend and stressed out. They were not feeling 100%. The dog was driving me absolutely insane. My oldest wants to argue with every.word.I.say. And I found myself attempting to self-soothe with food. Why? Because that's what I did pre-op. Constant companion. Always there.
Only it doesn't work so well with the new plumbing system. I didn't get away with much...and the choices I was making could have been wayyyy worse. But it definitely put the spotlight back on the addiction...and it's wicked stronghold on my psyche.
The body is changing. It appears I've conquered my issues with food. The brain is soooo much harder to change!!! I'm trying - legitimately I am. I bought myself a coloring book and some colored pencils because I wanted something to occupy my brain when I may feel like grazing for food. And it works great - when I'm not the only responsible adult in the house. This past weekend, not the case. No time to color. No redirection of urges. And the wickedness crept in.
At least I'm aware of it, right? I mean - I'm seriously aware of it as it's happening and I do attempt to distract myself with the next thing - laundry shuffle or check on kids or whatever...but the other issue is that kids need to eat all the dang time!!! So even when attempting to distract myself, I also need to think about the next meal for them...what will it be, when should I start it, will they eat it - make it - serve it - clean it up. All while being conscience of NOT eating any myself. You can see where this becomes a little bit of an obsession.
I'm rambling. I'm here. I weigh less than I did yesterday. I'm flawed and a work-in-progress.
I'm OK with that. I call it a win.
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