My driver's license is now accurate. Crazy how much that bothered me. Crazy that I thought I could pass for that weight 68 pounds ago. Crazy the lies you can tell yourself when you struggle with something...crazy what you'll believe.
Is the struggle over? Nope. Not in the slightest. I was home with my boys all weekend and stressed out. They were not feeling 100%. The dog was driving me absolutely insane. My oldest wants to argue with every.word.I.say. And I found myself attempting to self-soothe with food. Why? Because that's what I did pre-op. Constant companion. Always there.
Only it doesn't work so well with the new plumbing system. I didn't get away with much...and the choices I was making could have been wayyyy worse. But it definitely put the spotlight back on the addiction...and it's wicked stronghold on my psyche.
The body is changing. It appears I've conquered my issues with food. The brain is soooo much harder to change!!! I'm trying - legitimately I am. I bought myself a coloring book and some colored pencils because I wanted something to occupy my brain when I may feel like grazing for food. And it works great - when I'm not the only responsible adult in the house. This past weekend, not the case. No time to color. No redirection of urges. And the wickedness crept in.
At least I'm aware of it, right? I mean - I'm seriously aware of it as it's happening and I do attempt to distract myself with the next thing - laundry shuffle or check on kids or whatever...but the other issue is that kids need to eat all the dang time!!! So even when attempting to distract myself, I also need to think about the next meal for them...what will it be, when should I start it, will they eat it - make it - serve it - clean it up. All while being conscience of NOT eating any myself. You can see where this becomes a little bit of an obsession.
I'm rambling. I'm here. I weigh less than I did yesterday. I'm flawed and a work-in-progress.
I'm OK with that. I call it a win.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Friday, September 18, 2015
3 Month Post-Op Appointment
I had my three month post-op appointment yesterday afternoon.
I am 2 pounds or less away from graduating out of the "Morbidly Obese" catagory. Had I weighed in naked or earlier in the day, I probably would have made it out from under that label.
I've lost 40 pounds since the day of surgery...which is average, according to the surgeon. I thought I was doing amazing but I'm average. This was kind of disappointing at first but much better than hearing I was not losing enough or losing too much too fast, right? Why am I so bummed out that I am average? I also learned that my starting BMI was 47.1, Which, for my surgeons office is also the average BMI of their patients at their first appointment. So I'm 'double average'. Bummer.
But. BUT!! My BP was nice and low - 100/60. I have 5 more pair of pants I can add to the 'donate' box for church because I cannot keep them up. (in fact, I had to ask an engineer at work for a zip tie today when I got to work because my pants are so baggy, they were falling OFF) I look forward to working out. My calorie intake averages around 500-700 calories per day - which is right where I should be. I'm losing at a steady rate. I'm winning, folks. It's working, I win.
Then the Office Coordinator came in and talked to me for a few minutes while I waited for the doctor...and she gave me some tips on clothes and where she found some good clothes as she was losing (she had RNY 8 years ago). Good advice from her included try on things in stores. Even if it's scary and mortifying.
I got home and shared my appointment with the hubs - and his response was "that's pretty good considering you're not working out". Um, excuse me?? I get my ass kicked twice a week at 9 Round. Just because he doesn't see it doesn't mean it isn't happening.
So that's it. Average. And that's OK.
I am 2 pounds or less away from graduating out of the "Morbidly Obese" catagory. Had I weighed in naked or earlier in the day, I probably would have made it out from under that label.
I've lost 40 pounds since the day of surgery...which is average, according to the surgeon. I thought I was doing amazing but I'm average. This was kind of disappointing at first but much better than hearing I was not losing enough or losing too much too fast, right? Why am I so bummed out that I am average? I also learned that my starting BMI was 47.1, Which, for my surgeons office is also the average BMI of their patients at their first appointment. So I'm 'double average'. Bummer.
But. BUT!! My BP was nice and low - 100/60. I have 5 more pair of pants I can add to the 'donate' box for church because I cannot keep them up. (in fact, I had to ask an engineer at work for a zip tie today when I got to work because my pants are so baggy, they were falling OFF) I look forward to working out. My calorie intake averages around 500-700 calories per day - which is right where I should be. I'm losing at a steady rate. I'm winning, folks. It's working, I win.
Then the Office Coordinator came in and talked to me for a few minutes while I waited for the doctor...and she gave me some tips on clothes and where she found some good clothes as she was losing (she had RNY 8 years ago). Good advice from her included try on things in stores. Even if it's scary and mortifying.
I got home and shared my appointment with the hubs - and his response was "that's pretty good considering you're not working out". Um, excuse me?? I get my ass kicked twice a week at 9 Round. Just because he doesn't see it doesn't mean it isn't happening.
So that's it. Average. And that's OK.
Monday, September 14, 2015
12 Weeks Post-Op
If my RNY was a pregnancy, I'd be telling people by now. 12 whole weeks since surgery blows my mind. That seems like so very long ago...and so much has changed. Most obviously, my body. Not so much as obvious is my brain. Things are so much different today than they were June 14th.
1. I can cross my legs. Comfortably.
2. I look forward to my workout days at 9 Round and I have been building in treadmill time between those days.
3. More than half the contents of my closet no longer fits because I'm too small.
4. My rings now slide around on my fingers - remember they were so tight I couldn't get them off the day of surgery.
5. I can climb stairs with ease and not feel like I'm going to die at the top.
6. I am about three days to weighing what my drivers' license says I weigh.
7. I now weigh less than my husband!!!!
8. The people in my life who know about my surgery are making comments like "you're melting away" - and I say "I know!!! Thank you!!!!"
9. Watermelon, soup and yogurt are my BFF's.
10. 50 grams of protein is a whole lot when your stomach is so tiny.
11. I do not miss the foods I thought I'd miss.
12. One or two bites of something really can be satisfying.
13. Nothing feels worse than making a bad food choice and riding out the pain/discomfort.
14. It's OK to be proud of my own success.
15. Brain hunger is real.
16. I never would have been able to feel this success without the surgery.
17. I have no regrets about having RNY.
18. QUARK!!!
19. I have 100 pounds more to lose and I am confident I can do it. For the first time in my life.
20. I can pick up and carry my littles and realize that a few short months ago, I was carrying that amount of weight on my frame every minute of every day!!! Whoa Momma!!
I'm so thankful to be on this side of surgery. The anticipation was the absolute worst part of this entire journey. I'm so thankful that recovery went so well - without pain and complications. I don't know if I would have walked into the post-op process with such a cheery outlook had I had a bunch of post-op complications. I'm thankful I have a supportive community around me who is learning how the new me has to live. I'm thankful I'm young enough to enjoy my new body and my new lifestyle for many many more years. I'm thankful that my obesity didn't cause more problems for me than it did and I'm thankful I had the surgery done before I got any larger.
I am very much more aware of how much our society has weight issues. I know many many thin and fit people but I also know many many people who struggle. Out in crowds, I am keenly aware of bodies and who could desperately use some help. I hate that I see fat people in masses of people and I feel sorry for them. Because I know how it feels to be trapped in there completely incapable of getting yourself out. And people can act like it doesn't bother them all they want - but I know the truth. That even if you act confident, you may not be.
I wish more insurance companies would be more vocal about WLS as a way to combat obesity - it's a win-win. The patient gets their life back and the insurance company avoids paying for conditions that go hand-in-hand with obesity like diabetes, arthritis, heart disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, stroke, cancer...the list is endless. Had I known that WLS was a REAL option for me, I may have jumped on looking into it sooner. However, it's all in the Master Plan that I do not control - an I'm happy to say I had my RNY at age 38. I have a whole lot of time to enjoy the me I'm becoming...like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon.
1. I can cross my legs. Comfortably.
2. I look forward to my workout days at 9 Round and I have been building in treadmill time between those days.
3. More than half the contents of my closet no longer fits because I'm too small.
4. My rings now slide around on my fingers - remember they were so tight I couldn't get them off the day of surgery.
5. I can climb stairs with ease and not feel like I'm going to die at the top.
6. I am about three days to weighing what my drivers' license says I weigh.
7. I now weigh less than my husband!!!!
8. The people in my life who know about my surgery are making comments like "you're melting away" - and I say "I know!!! Thank you!!!!"
9. Watermelon, soup and yogurt are my BFF's.
10. 50 grams of protein is a whole lot when your stomach is so tiny.
11. I do not miss the foods I thought I'd miss.
12. One or two bites of something really can be satisfying.
13. Nothing feels worse than making a bad food choice and riding out the pain/discomfort.
14. It's OK to be proud of my own success.
15. Brain hunger is real.
16. I never would have been able to feel this success without the surgery.
17. I have no regrets about having RNY.
18. QUARK!!!
19. I have 100 pounds more to lose and I am confident I can do it. For the first time in my life.
20. I can pick up and carry my littles and realize that a few short months ago, I was carrying that amount of weight on my frame every minute of every day!!! Whoa Momma!!
I'm so thankful to be on this side of surgery. The anticipation was the absolute worst part of this entire journey. I'm so thankful that recovery went so well - without pain and complications. I don't know if I would have walked into the post-op process with such a cheery outlook had I had a bunch of post-op complications. I'm thankful I have a supportive community around me who is learning how the new me has to live. I'm thankful I'm young enough to enjoy my new body and my new lifestyle for many many more years. I'm thankful that my obesity didn't cause more problems for me than it did and I'm thankful I had the surgery done before I got any larger.
I am very much more aware of how much our society has weight issues. I know many many thin and fit people but I also know many many people who struggle. Out in crowds, I am keenly aware of bodies and who could desperately use some help. I hate that I see fat people in masses of people and I feel sorry for them. Because I know how it feels to be trapped in there completely incapable of getting yourself out. And people can act like it doesn't bother them all they want - but I know the truth. That even if you act confident, you may not be.
I wish more insurance companies would be more vocal about WLS as a way to combat obesity - it's a win-win. The patient gets their life back and the insurance company avoids paying for conditions that go hand-in-hand with obesity like diabetes, arthritis, heart disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, stroke, cancer...the list is endless. Had I known that WLS was a REAL option for me, I may have jumped on looking into it sooner. However, it's all in the Master Plan that I do not control - an I'm happy to say I had my RNY at age 38. I have a whole lot of time to enjoy the me I'm becoming...like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
11 Weeks Post-Op - Donating Clothes
I say ti every week but I honestly cannot believe it's been 11 weeks since my RNY. The time was going to pass regardless of whether I was in recovery or still being miserable in my own skin - I'm so happy to have made my choice and be on this path!!
I've lost 60 pounds since the beginning of the liquid diet and 40 pounds since the day of surgery. That's a lot of weight!! I have my 3 month post-op check up next week...can't wait to see what the surgeon and nutritionist say. The one thing I continue to struggle with is the vitamins. I need to be more conscience about them and mindful to take them. However I feel great!!
A couple really fun things happened this past week -
First, we went to Mason's preschool Open House on Tuesday night and they took a family photo of use to keep on the wall for the first few weeks of school to help with separation anxiety (of which my 4 year old will have none but I understand why they do it for the kids who haven't been in daycare forever). Guess what? I'm not the largest person in the photo!!! I actually look relatively proportionate to my husband! This has always bothered me and I'm thrilled that it's not an issue anymore!!!
Next, I pulled on a dress for church on Sunday that I haven't been able to get on. I ordered it on Zulily thinking it'd be a great summer dress, and it is, but when it came, I couldn't get it over my chest and once I did, it was so tight across my mid-section I wouldn't dare wear it in front of anyone. On Sunday, I pulled it on and it fell perfectly. No embarrassing sausage casing.
THEN, when we got home from church, I took some time and went through my closet. The church is having the annual rummage sale and taking donations. I thought I may as well donate what I can't wear anymore.
Guys - it was amazing. I had 19 pairs of pants - 3 of which still had tags on them - that I will never wear again. WAY TOO BIG. 5 skirts. 6 sweaters. I packed them up and they're ready to go. This felt so empowering!!!! I also found 6 pairs of work pants that will fit for the time being but won't probably fit much past Thanksgiving...which is also cool because I won't have to scramble to find clothes for work for a while. I wanted to scream and jump up and down as I packed up the donations. Success!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday I hopped on the treadmill and did 45 minutes of good, fast walking with various incline followed by some kettlebell and dumbbell work since I couldn't get into 9Round (closed for Labor Day). I need to do that more. I felt much better after a good sweat.
Finally - completely unrelated to weight loss but fun nevertheless - I took a chance and called in to win Taylor Swift Concert tickets to the radio show I listen to daily. They wanted 4 random facts about both of the morning hosts for fourth row tickets. I've never called in to win anything on the radio and somehow, I got thru and somehow I was the first caller and I knew enough about each of them to win. Crazy!!!! So yeah, I have fun plans this weekend with my dear friend!!
Life is good...sometimes, it's hard to remember that but really, it's so so good.
I've lost 60 pounds since the beginning of the liquid diet and 40 pounds since the day of surgery. That's a lot of weight!! I have my 3 month post-op check up next week...can't wait to see what the surgeon and nutritionist say. The one thing I continue to struggle with is the vitamins. I need to be more conscience about them and mindful to take them. However I feel great!!
A couple really fun things happened this past week -
First, we went to Mason's preschool Open House on Tuesday night and they took a family photo of use to keep on the wall for the first few weeks of school to help with separation anxiety (of which my 4 year old will have none but I understand why they do it for the kids who haven't been in daycare forever). Guess what? I'm not the largest person in the photo!!! I actually look relatively proportionate to my husband! This has always bothered me and I'm thrilled that it's not an issue anymore!!!
Next, I pulled on a dress for church on Sunday that I haven't been able to get on. I ordered it on Zulily thinking it'd be a great summer dress, and it is, but when it came, I couldn't get it over my chest and once I did, it was so tight across my mid-section I wouldn't dare wear it in front of anyone. On Sunday, I pulled it on and it fell perfectly. No embarrassing sausage casing.
THEN, when we got home from church, I took some time and went through my closet. The church is having the annual rummage sale and taking donations. I thought I may as well donate what I can't wear anymore.
Guys - it was amazing. I had 19 pairs of pants - 3 of which still had tags on them - that I will never wear again. WAY TOO BIG. 5 skirts. 6 sweaters. I packed them up and they're ready to go. This felt so empowering!!!! I also found 6 pairs of work pants that will fit for the time being but won't probably fit much past Thanksgiving...which is also cool because I won't have to scramble to find clothes for work for a while. I wanted to scream and jump up and down as I packed up the donations. Success!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday I hopped on the treadmill and did 45 minutes of good, fast walking with various incline followed by some kettlebell and dumbbell work since I couldn't get into 9Round (closed for Labor Day). I need to do that more. I felt much better after a good sweat.
Finally - completely unrelated to weight loss but fun nevertheless - I took a chance and called in to win Taylor Swift Concert tickets to the radio show I listen to daily. They wanted 4 random facts about both of the morning hosts for fourth row tickets. I've never called in to win anything on the radio and somehow, I got thru and somehow I was the first caller and I knew enough about each of them to win. Crazy!!!! So yeah, I have fun plans this weekend with my dear friend!!
Life is good...sometimes, it's hard to remember that but really, it's so so good.
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
10 Weeks Post-Op
Second nature. That's where I've graduated to. No longer do I even think about large meals or desire foods I cannot have. I'm craving my 'normal' foods - not bread or baked goods...but fruit and protein. It's pretty amazing, actually. I didn't know if I'd ever get here. I also crave exercise. I continue to love 9Round. I love going in there and literally pounding out some stress. I miss it on the days I cannot go. Once school starts and our life has more routine in it, I'll hopefully be able to make 9Round a part of my day 3 times a week rather than 2. My chipped Tibea does bother me when the active rests involve jumping or impact but I have no problem alternating those ouchie exercises with something I CAN do like wall-sits or push-ups or running in place.
Even my kids have learned that Momma doesn't eat what they eat most of the time. I made a pasta dish yesterday that was a huge no-no for me - and in all honesty a huge no-no for most people as it has a stick of butter and 2 pints of heavy cream in the sauce. The boys ate it up. I had a Quark. It was delicious - Lemon - YUM. I also made Peanut Butter-Chocolate Chip Oatmeal cookies - which the boys loved - and I didn't even taste them. This amazes me. I can do it and it doesn't bother me much. Weird!!!
I also bought a sweater for our family portraits at the end of September and it was a non-plus size. And it fits NOW. Not in a month from now when we have our session. Now. In fact, it may be too big in a month. WEIRD.
I need to carve out some time to get my closet in order. Basically nothing for fall is going to fit. Luckily, our church has a fall rummage sale, so I plan on donating everything to church. There's a funny phenomena with plus-sized clothes; the bigger your size, the more you need to lose to notice. Like I could fluxuate 20 pounds and still fit into my size 24 tops...but I lose close to 60 and the sizes are changing closer and closer together. I'm thinking that until I hit my goal, I'll just get some wardrobe staples. No need in spending a ton on clothes I'll shrink out of in a matter of weeks.
Water is my struggle. Continuous struggle. And I need it because things aren't moving as nicely as they could or should be in my lower GI tract. Also I think my FitBit is dying. it's just not working the way it should be. I woke up this morning and FitBit thought I'd already had over 8,000 steps. Um...not so much. Also the lights aren't flashing as brightly or as quickly as they used to. Maybe it's tired...but I charged it this morning. Bummer...I really like it!!!
That's all from here. Still adore Watermelon, Cantalope, Soup, and Quark!! I miss salads...that's about all. Life is good. I'm more than 1/3 of the way to my goal weight. Dang...how awesome is that???
Even my kids have learned that Momma doesn't eat what they eat most of the time. I made a pasta dish yesterday that was a huge no-no for me - and in all honesty a huge no-no for most people as it has a stick of butter and 2 pints of heavy cream in the sauce. The boys ate it up. I had a Quark. It was delicious - Lemon - YUM. I also made Peanut Butter-Chocolate Chip Oatmeal cookies - which the boys loved - and I didn't even taste them. This amazes me. I can do it and it doesn't bother me much. Weird!!!
I also bought a sweater for our family portraits at the end of September and it was a non-plus size. And it fits NOW. Not in a month from now when we have our session. Now. In fact, it may be too big in a month. WEIRD.
I need to carve out some time to get my closet in order. Basically nothing for fall is going to fit. Luckily, our church has a fall rummage sale, so I plan on donating everything to church. There's a funny phenomena with plus-sized clothes; the bigger your size, the more you need to lose to notice. Like I could fluxuate 20 pounds and still fit into my size 24 tops...but I lose close to 60 and the sizes are changing closer and closer together. I'm thinking that until I hit my goal, I'll just get some wardrobe staples. No need in spending a ton on clothes I'll shrink out of in a matter of weeks.
Water is my struggle. Continuous struggle. And I need it because things aren't moving as nicely as they could or should be in my lower GI tract. Also I think my FitBit is dying. it's just not working the way it should be. I woke up this morning and FitBit thought I'd already had over 8,000 steps. Um...not so much. Also the lights aren't flashing as brightly or as quickly as they used to. Maybe it's tired...but I charged it this morning. Bummer...I really like it!!!
That's all from here. Still adore Watermelon, Cantalope, Soup, and Quark!! I miss salads...that's about all. Life is good. I'm more than 1/3 of the way to my goal weight. Dang...how awesome is that???
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