1 Week Post Op

It's been a week since I was discharged from Abbott.  Already a week.  Only a week.

When I first started sipping water, even the tiniest of sips was scary.  If I tried to be ambitious and take a bigger sip, it would hurt all the way down and then sit and hurt behind my sternum.  My assignment was to get 48 ounces of water down per day and that seemed like an unreachable goal.

However...

Sunday morning I woke up...and water wasn't as hard to drink anymore.  Overnight.  I filled my bottle up and brought it to church and drank the entire thing in the hour we sat there without any pain. Monday I was up to 64+ ounces - two bottles of water and one bottle of Isopure Protien.  It's pretty amazing...this process and how the healing is happening.

So I'm feeling really good.  One week out and the incisions are sealed up.  The steri-strips are slowly pealing off.  I'm bruised on the left side pretty deeply...I think that's where they clamped my liver off to the side.  Lifting isn't really an issue.  I can easily lift my 2 year old (27 pounds) but I won't attempt the 4 year old (35 pounds).

I've been cooking for the family.  Really, I love it and I'm home right now so I have the time to prepare dinner for them.  It is super challenging though...as I'm not one to make food I wouldn't eat myself.  It's very hard to not even taste food while you're preparing it.

I'm frustrated by the level of support I'm receiving from my husband.  I really thought that he'd be a great cheerleader.  He has not said one word of encouragement since I got home.  I had to ask him if he was proud of me on the way home and he said "yes" but there hasn't been any more encouragement than that and I'm really disappointed.

Weight loss to date =  30 pounds

-XO - Amy

Surgery and Post-Op

Monday morning, the alarm went off EARLY.  4am.  I had to check into the hospital at 5:30 and it's a good 45 minutes from home.  Plus I had to do that insane showering regimen again.  But we made it.  Sunday night was strange - we dropped the two little kids off at our daycare provider's house for a sleepover and the oldest stayed at my parents house for the night.  So Phil and I had a quiet night at home.  I WANTED to go to bed early but that wasn't going to happen.  I think I finally fell asleep at 11.  Nerves.  In any case, we got to the hospital and all without a hitch with the help of our village. 

Prep - I was called back into my prep room first.  I had to take a pregnancy test (negative) and then got into a gown that has air pockets inside it - then they hooked me up to the wall and warm air blew into the gown.  It was very nice and cozy.  They took some blood and then started my IV.  The surgeon came in and initialed my belly - seriously, it's still there - RD.    Phil and my mom came back for a little bit and then the anesthesia nurse came in and talked with us.  As a friend of my mom's, I was at ease.  I could not get my wedding rings off so she made an exception and allowed me to keep them on rather than cutting them off (THANK YOU!!!).  Pretty soon she was loading some sedative into my IV and I was kissing my hubs goodbye.  Now, I didn't want to remember any part of the OR but I do.  I got myself off the rolling bed and onto the operating table.  I scooted down so my feet were on this big black pad.  I then sat up a bit so they could pad my neck to slip the breathing tube in.  Then they gave me the oxygen mask and I took three deep breaths.  The next memories are foggy but I do remember Linda saying "That's it, Amy...you're all done!!!  You did great!!!" and rolling towards the recovery room.  Now I guess I was in recovery for a couple hours but it didn't feel like that long at all.  I was pretty out of it.  Even once I got to my room, I was in and out of sleep for most of the day.  I'd close my eyes and it'd feel like 5 minutes and an hour or two would pass.  I did get up and walk around the nurses station several times - first with Phil and then with another nurse later when he had to leave.  The hospital was not restful - every hour or so someone was coming in to check vitals, give injections (Heprin mostly and a B12), give pain meds, change out IV bags, give antibiotics, check if I peed.  Tuesday morning, Dr. Drew came to visit and check things out.  I was right on track to leave after lunch and that's exactly what we did.  

My pain meds are now pills.  Pills are difficult to swallow now.  A HALF of a pain pill takes me close to a half hour to get down.  I don't need more than a half because I really am not in much pain.  I'm sore for sure...and there's new sensations in my belly but they're not painful.  They're more pressure.  Plus the pain meds give me the most bizzare dreams.  Sleeping at night is strange - I can sleep sound for a couple hours at a time but seem to have a new schedule of waking up at 3am and needing to pee and then not falling back to deep sleep.  My little boys do not understand the idea of 'be gentle with Momma'.  My belly is bruised up but the incisions from the ports are tiny.  

I have adhesive from who-knows-what stuck everywhere.  On my shoulders, under my boobs, in my armpits.  I'm sure thay had hoses and tubes they had to tape down but the adhesive doesn't want to come off.  

I've been to Target, Costco and Aldi with my mom - who's acting as my nurse/chauffeur for the next couple weeks.  It is amazing how exhausting it is to heal.  A morning trip to Costco and I slept on the couch for 2 hours.  

Water intake is slow and steady.  I start the morning with a full 32 ounce bottle knowing I need to consume at least 60 ounces by the end of the day.  And then I say to myself "How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time" and take a teeny tiny sip.  My sips are tiny...no doubt about that one. And I know immediately if I've taken too big of a sip.  It burns and hurts for several minutes.  A container of yogurt (4 oz) lasts all day.  

So that's it.  I'm on the other side.  The recovery side.  The skinny side.  I'm down 16 pounds from the pre-op diet and down 4 pounds since my weigh-in weight the day of surgery.  I'm going moment to moment.  I dream about food when I sleep and it's not pleasant dreams.  

More to come...

-XO - Amy 

The "Before" Photos...

These are the "Before" photos.

I'm not ready to share publicly my starting weight.  I'm not sure if I ever will.  But it's more than most NFL Linebackers.  It's enough to make horseback riding impossible and enough to make sure I never go skydiving or parasailing or ziplining.  Not that I want to do any of those things but I want that decision to be mine, not determined by my size.

These photos make me really sad...because I don't see this person in the mirror.  I don't necessarily see a thin person in the mirror either but I don't see someone this obese.  These photos were taken at times that should have been amazing memories - vacations to DisneyWorld and Antiqua, a trip to the apple orchard.  And all were great memories - but the photos make me feel sick.

I'm so ready to not be the largest person in the room.  So ready to not be worried about how big my butt is.  So ready to not be embarrassing to my kids because of my size.

It drives me insane when I hear very thin people say how fat they are/feel.  I swear to you, walk one day in a persons shoes who is morbidly obese and you'll never ever utter those words again.

The Day/Night Before...

It's Father's Day.  We spent the later morning and early afternoon on our boat - which has not been in the water in four summers.  It's hard...having a boat and living on a lake where there are hundreds if not thousands of people enjoying THEIR boats when yours is sitting in a garage.  Granted, we had some legit reasons for not putting it in the water - two of them are named Mason and Easton.  Summer babies mean there's not a lot of summer fun had by the Momma...and they don't even MAKE newborn lifejackets.  But there were also mechanical issues that kept the boat dry too.  But all is well and good now...and it's in.  We had a ball today.  The weather couldn't have been more perfect...and the boys...well it's pretty safe to say they love the boat and being out on the water almost as much as their parents do.

Yes.  The house is a disaster.  Yes, I have no less than 8 loads of laundry to do.  However, this thought seriously crossed my mind this morning - "If this is your last day on Earth, how more perfect of a memory can you make with the kids".  Now granted, I don't expect to have today be it.  I'm going to wake up tomorrow sometime around 10am and have new plumbing.  Life will go on.  However every major surgery has risks and the thought did cross my mind.

The little boys are sleeping at our angel daycare provider's house tonight and Logan is staying with Grandpa and Grandma, as I have to be AT the hospital at 5:30am.  Dang, that's early.  The fortunate thing is that my surgeon does not require a bowel prep beforehand...which allowed me to have my fun day today - otherwise I think I'd have had a very different memory of today.  The little boys didn't even stop to say goodbye to me...they thought it was so cool to be going to Cheryl's at night and having her kids and all the toys all to themselves.

I've been cooking and that part is hard.  I made a strawberry pie yesterday - one of my most favorite things ever in the world.  The Farmer's Market had Minnesota grown strawberries and I thought I'd make a pie for Phil for Father's Day.  Dang that's hard to do without a single lick...not a single taste.  I also got up today and made scrambled eggs with bacon and hashbrowns.  It looked amazing and smelled even better.  Some situations are easier than others for me to overcome food.  And after the fact, it feels empowering.  However at the time - it sucks.  Drinking broth while my family enjoys a Shrimp Pasta dinner is painful.

I'm scared.  I'm excited for the outcome and the results that are to come but for the immediate future, I'm scared.  I have to take a long shower tonight - doctor's orders - and use a half a bottle of anti-bacterial soap.  That's a heck of a lot of soap!!!  Tomorrow morning, I have to get up and do the same thing.  It cuts down on incision infections and things like MERSA.  Gross.  Never would have even thought of that as a concern until a friend's uncle died of complications from MERSA.  Yup...better to just take the big long shower with all the soap.  I'm very distracted and feel like I'm wandering aimlessly around my house doing nothing because I forget my intentions.  Craziness.

Anyway - I'll write from the other side.  I'm starving but tonight is the last time I'll probably feel hunger.  Isn't that weird?   Ready for tomorrow and Tuesday to be behind me and life on the other side to begin!!

Last Day of Work Pre-Op

Today is my last day of work for two weeks.  It's a strange feeling - it's not quite the same as leaving on a Maternity Leave because no one really knows why I'm going to be out.  I haven't told the guys I work with anything aside from "I'm having some surgery and need to be home for 2 weeks for recovery".  They all nod and move on.  If they're curious, they aren't asking which is fine by me.

I DID tell the members of our Church Council last night when we were closing in prayer.  It's a group I trust.  And it felt good to have them pray over me.  I'm excited to donate my current wardrobe to the Church Rummage Sale later this summer - how cool would it be to pack up my entire closet and give that money to church?

So now all that's left is to enjoy (?) my CLEAR liquid diet for the next 3 days and try not to catch the Strep Throat that my two youngest have.  This is no small feat either - because at age 38 I still manager to get Strep at least once a year and as a mom, you're just in the germs no matter how hard you try to avoid them.  My two year old just wants to be held and snuggle...and how can you turn that offer down?   His feverish little body laying on me, sweet toddler hair on my cheek.  And I picture the germs throwing themselves off his lips and onto my face.

BUT -

What's the worst that happens if I do get sick?  My surgery gets bumped.  That's all.  I've come this far.  I know I can do the liquid diet.  I have no control over much of this so I'm washing hands often and hoping for the best.  Yes, I'd be disappointed but I've been disappointed before.  I survived.

Yes, I'm still nervous.  Yes, I'm still excited.  I just want Monday over with already.  Let the healing begin.

Almost there

I *may* have cheated on this liquid diet thing.  I'm not 100% sure but I did have a piece of gum on Friday night - purely because I was out of water and my breath is the stinkiest thing ever - like I'm offended by my own breath.  Not good.  I also had a Bolthouse Breakfast Smoothie this morning.  They're delicious but I think it had more sugar than I'm supposed to be having right now.  However, other than those two things, I'm very proud to report that there has not been a single conscience cheat so far on this liquid diet.  My liver should be teeny tiny when this is all over.

I'm also a little perplexed that my colon has become so slow on the liquid diet.  I wasn't dreaming this would be a problem but it is!!  And it's kind of a bummer because in the months leading up to this surgery, I had incorporated Chia Seeds into my morning routine and lemme tell ya, they work AWESOME at making things very regular for me.  So as of today, I miss my Chia.  A lot.

I also learned that I will have a personal connection to my Anesthesia Nurse.  She's a friend of my mom and she made sure to schedule both herself and her favorite Anesthesiologist for my surgery. This is so completely comforting to me.  I don't know why - I'm sure she takes good care of all her patients...but having a friendly face with me makes the fear seem a little more manageable.

Then right in the middle of writing this post, the hospital called with my pre-op call.  No, I'm still not allergic to latex.   Yes, I know where to go in the hospital when I arrive.  No, I haven't gotten sick since my pre-op physical.  Yes, I plan on filling out my Health Care Directive (however that is a very scary document to fill out...very morbid...very thought provoking).

Still fluctuating between extremely excited and crap-my-pants scared.  A thought crossed my mind this morning that is a little fun to think about - my 20 Year Class Reunion is August 1.  Will ANYthing in my closet fit or will I just HAVE to go shopping for a new outfit??  God, please make nothing fit.  Even if I wear the outfit once.  No one at the event will know either way but I will and I sure hope I'm in some new duds!!

-XO - Amy

One Week Closer

One week to go.

This also means I've been on the liquid diet for one week.  The first 3 days were really hard.  Can't say it any clearer than that.  Really f-ing hard.  And now 7 days in, it's still hard but not AS hard.  The trip to Target to broaden my selection of liquid options helped a lot - I found savory and sweet options which helped my tastebuds out a bit.  Broth gets really old fast.  I still want to chew on something...my teeth feel weird after not being used much during the week.

Phil and I went to a concert on Friday night and had a good time.  He ran into some people he knew from college and from work.  I was drinking water - and to be honest, I think that people must have assumed I am pregnant because I wasn't drinking.  That's what I would assume if someone ordered water at a concert.  But whatever.  We had fun.  We also had a 'clear the air' conversation when I didn't want to stay in Rochester to have lunch with his parents.  Phil thought that "liquid diet" meant I could still chew things up to applesauce consistency and that would be fine.  I said "No...liquid diet means LIQUID.  No chewing.  Nothing with texture.  Have you been listening to me at all???  I do not want to sit and watch everyone around me eating.  That is not fun for me."  I felt very neglected.  Very UNsupported.  Very upset.  I'm sure this is one of only many 'clarification' sessions we will need but it was really disappointing.  The statistic for divorce after bypass is 80-85%.  That's a LOT of divorces.  That's a lot of miscommunication.  I do not want to be a part of that statistic but I also realize I'm going to have to work extra hard to not be included in it.   I hope our conversation was a wake-up call for Phil to make a bigger effort to be aware of this process for me...what step I'm on and what that means for our family.

So one week from now I'll be done - in recovery and have new plumbing.   Scary?  Yup.  Exciting?  Yup.

Pre-Op Class and Physical

Yesterday, my mom and I attended the mandatory pre-op class for Bariatric patients at Abbott.  There were 16 people having bariatric surgery in the next two weeks in the class...and four procedures represented.  In one respect, it was comforting that there are people - at least 16 of them - who are going thru the same process as I am at the same time. Liquid diet, roller coaster emotions.   During a break, we compared notes on the best tasting protein drinks.  It almost felt normal.

However, the class was a total reality check.  A video we watched walked thru the entire process of anesthesia from the start of the IV thru recovery.  Every wire, tube, monitor, procedure.  Putting in the breathing tube.  Tying your arms down.  Tilting the bed (a fact I didn't know until yesterday) - I'll actually be strapped to the table and then the table will tilt to about a 45 degree angle so I'll be kind of standing/leaning on it during the actual surgery.  It scared me.  A lot.  Not enough to quit the process but enough to know that whenever they start offering the sedatives, I'm taking them!  I don't want to remember being strapped to the table.  I don't want to remember the cold OR.  Please knock me out ASAP.

The pre-op physical went perfect.  I'm ready, physically.  I see a nurse practitioner and she's awesome and super encouraging.  She strongly encouraged me to talk to my OB after surgery about an IUD...which I thought was interesting since Phil took the permanency route for himself but her reasoning behind suggesting an IUD make sense and it'll cut down on my need for Advil monthly, which is now a complete no-no for me.  I'll definitely think about it.

I've survived on the liquid diet for 4 full and one half days.  Water, Broth, sugar free Jello and sugar free pudding.  V8.  Vitamin Water Zero.  Sugar Free Popsicles.  Fat Free Greek yogurt.  And of course, protein shakes.  The first two days were hell.  I was so crabby I felt sorry for my kids.  The reason for the liquid diet is to shrink the liver as much as possible before surgery because the surgeon will be working behind it and will need to move it out of the way.  If it's still large and full, it's harder to move.  Also, as I learned yesterday, if they go in and take a look and see that your liver isn't small enough, they'll back out and stop the surgery.  SO...this is all for a good cause and it works.  I'm down 9 pounds in 4.5 days.  No other diet I've ever tried has given me such results. I stopped at Target yesterday and picked up some new flavors of broth...new non-carbonated-sugar free beverages for some variety.  The hardest time of day is actually dinner time when I'm serving my kids real food.   It really raises my anxiety to even get food on my skin now...it's like the ultimate test of will-power.  But so far, not even a lick.  God help me.

Tonight, Phil and I are off to a concert and overnight away from the boys.  This, too, will prove challenging.  The life I'm saying goodbye to would have used this opprotunity to have a few drinks and have a nice dinner.   I honestly don't know if I can sit in a restaurant and watch Phil eat right now.  I do think I can enjoy a concert without alcohol.  So I'm going to focus on that.  And once I get to Saturday afternoon and I realize how I made it thru a sticky situation, I will feel proud.  I'm allowed to feel proud.  Change isn't easy and it isn't fun but it's necessary and this evening will give me a preview of life to come.  I got this.

Pre-surgery Diet coming soon

On Monday, I start my pre-op diet - liquids only for 2 weeks.

To say this is going to suck is an understatement.  It's going to SUCK.  However, I'm focusing on the end result.  No.  I'm focusing on the long-term result.  It's for a good cause.  I'm just doubting my own will-power and ability to stick to liquids only for 2 entire weeks.

God help me.

Butterflies

Three weeks from today...right now...it'll all be over.  Way over, in fact, as my surgery time is 7:30am and the procedure takes approximately an hour and a half.

One week from today, I start my two-weeks of liquids only diet.  Doesn't that sound like fun??  The purpose is to shrink your liver as much as possible to make more room for the docs to work.  Sounds fair enough but 2 weeks??  That's a long time.  However it's probably a good thing since I'll be on the same liquid diet for a while after the surgery too.

I swing from being extremely excited to being scared out of my mind about this process.  What I fear most (and this is probably normal) is failure.  Because let's face it, I've failed at every diet I've ever tried or I wouldn't be where I am.  I'm used to failing at this.  So what I've been doing is Googling "Gastric Bypass Before and After Photos".  Because I need to see what I can hope for - what people who have struggled like I have are achieving by going down this same path.  And I joined an online forum for Bariatric patients and I'm reading their struggles and successes and helpful advice.  They are succeeding.  Hundreds of people who have had bariatric surgery are losing weight...and supporting each other.  AND...AND...they're not losing a 'little weight' but losing 30 pounds in the first month??   100 pounds in the first 8 months?  It's amazing.  And from what I'm reading, it's not going to be that bad.  And if it is, I can post about it and someone will have been there and will help me thru it.  Not that dissimilar to my Mommy forum I joined (ans still belong to) when I had my first son...when I was scared of pregnancy and newborn-hood.  And guess what?  I made it thru that...with flying colors...and I can do this too...

I'm also suddenly very conscience of food everywhere I go.  How much of it is everywhere.  How much everyone is centered on it.  Being as my surgery is in the summer, and Minnesotans seem to come out of their shells in the summer, my calendar is already full of events post-surgery...and I'm already kind of nervous about how I'll handle them.  Internal dialogue goes on like this "There's going to be food there.  I can't eat food.  How will I be social?  What if I just stay home?  That's no fun...I want to go....but I'm scared..." and I'm not even there yet.  Maybe I'll be feeling so fabulous without XX lbs on my frame that it won't even be an issue.  Like most things in my life, I'm really hoping that the fear of the unknown is why I'm anxious about this - that after the first event, I'll get over myself and they'll be no big deal.

I don't have any tattoos.  I don't mind them - I have tattoo envy every now and again - but they're so PERMANENT.  If you choose the wrong art or the wrong placement or the wrong colors or whatever, it's not nail polish.  You can't go and scrub it off and re-do it.  My RNY is my tattoo.  It's forever.  No reversing it.  No re-doing it.  And it's going to hurt, and it's going to take some getting used to but just like my tattooed friends, once it's there, it will just be a part of who I am.  I won't think about it anymore.  It will be absorbed into me.  Cannot wait for THAT day to come.

-XO - Amy