This summer marked three years since my RNY gastric bypass surgery.
In many ways, three years seems like a lifetime ago and in others it was just last week. There are times when I look at myself and feel just as large as I was before this whole process started. My thighs, my stomach, my arms. I put on something out of my closet and if it's tight or doesn't feel right, I'm back to size 24 wondering how I'm going to survive this life. However, the reality is that this journey has been so much more than pounds or sizes or inches. It's been about habits and behaviors and crutches and triggers and patterns. The weightloss was huge. Working on becoming my own best friend and ally has been bigger.
After a year of weight loss - where I was losing a pound a day for months - I started working with a trainer. Not only for motivation but for actual health reasons - I wanted tone. I found my trainer thru our daycare provider - his daughter attended with my two younger kids - and he agreed to workout with me twice a week. This financial commitment was $60 per week - two sessions at $30 each or $1 per minute. After a year of working out with Ryan, I was in the best shape of my life. And here's the thing....I never had a session go over 35 minutes. You DO NOT need to meet with a trainer for an hour to get results. How? Well, you warm up without them. You get to the gym 15 minutes before your session and you warm up. If there's specific warm up activities they want you to do, do them before the session. Be READY TO GO when the time starts. Second, no talking. Don't waste time chatting. Seems logical but seriously, don't. Any trainer worth their salt will recognize that you mean business and shouldn't be offended to hear that you don't want to chat. I adore Ryan and we have become close through training but it's not because we spend our sessions chatting.
Excuses are everywhere. It is so easy to blow yourself off - or blow your workout off - because of these busy lives we lead. If I have learned anything, it's that exercise has to be a priority. I AM a priority. My mood, my outlook on life, my mind and my body are better when exercised and pushed. The only way I've made sure this happens is if I legitimately plan my day around my workout. Luckily, my office is close to a LTF that I can use over my lunch hour, however this also means I need to PLAN. My gym bag has to have clean workout clothes, socks and shoes in it...which means I need to commit to my lunch workout before I leave the house or even better, the night before. Monday over lunch is typically the day I run intervals on the treadmill. I utilize the LTF app on my phone to pick out which classes will fit into my week too. Tuesday night Heated Guided Flow works out well because it starts at 8:15PM. After I get home, feed the boys and can take an hour to myself. Wednesday can be either a lunch workout again or a 5:15pm HIIT Yoga class on my way home. Saturday mornings is my Root Yoga class. I aim for 5 workouts a week. This journey is a process. A marathon. An evolution. I learned about two years ago that yes, I can run for 55 minutes a day but my knees cannot do that 6 days a week. Runner's Knee HURTS and though running is great cardio, it's not ideal. Intervals bring my heart rate up when I run and down when I walk. This burns fat. This is a SMARTER way to cardio...it's easier on the body AND it is more efficient. I mix up my intervals now but essentially it's the same workout.
Nutrition. Fasts, Cleanses, fad diets. Nothing works as well as the SIMPLE MATH DIET. Calories in v. Calories Out. This, combined with the mantra "not all calories are created equal" is my nutritional plan. I still follow 95% of the rules laid down by my surgery team 3+ years ago. Drink a ton of water. Don't drink 30 minutes before or 30 minutes after eating. Protein first. Always protein first. Stop before you feel full. No snacking/grazing (this one is HARD). Limit alcohol (this one is HARDER). Sugar makes me feel ill. Like exercise, nutrition is a process. Nothing happens overnight - it's establishing and implementing new habits and man, those bad old ones are right there in the wings waiting to take over, aren't they??? Which is why alcohol is such a demon. Post RNY, my body processes alcohol differently...and lemme tell you, there is a whole section of AA folks who are post-bariatric surgery so it's not just me who can feel this is a thin line. The problem is that 1) I'm social and we have social friends who like to drink cocktails when being social. 2). When your inhibitions are lowered due to cocktails, your willpower to no-no foods is also inhibited...so the choices I make aren't always sound or in my best interest...and this derails my nutrition. Also, BALANCE. No one can commit to never eating XYZ again. Fill in the blank - Carbs again, sugar again, whatever - unless you overhaul your entire life and commit to Vegan or Gluten-Free. My nutritionist never said to me "You will never eat carbs again" or "kiss pizza goodbye". I am just really choosy now. I still LOVE ice cream. However, even a small Blizzard makes me sick. Typically I can make a small Blizzard three separate treats. Or I buy the high protein ice cream and have 5-8 bites and have satisfied the craving. I still ADORE pizza but typically 1 and 1/2 pieces is it. I gave up tracking my food via MyFitnessPal after one year but I know I average about 1200-1500 calories a day. I know this because my food intake doesn't really vary day to day. Not to say I eat the same thing every single day but I know my breakfast is typically 300 calories with 15-20g of protein. Lunch is typically 400 calories with another 15-20g of protein. Snack is usually 100 calories - bonus on the protein and dinner is 500-700 calories with 20-25g of protein. Some days I kill it on the protein, others I don't. But I don't obsess. I forgive and move on. Like throwing a bad score in a Synchro meet. Let go and move on. A bad day here and there is not going to derail the entire train if they truly are here and there...which brings us to....
Honesty. Probably the most intimate realization on this journey has been giving up excuses for honesty. Excuses are camouflage for insecurity. Excuses mask doubt...mostly self-doubt. If you think before you make an excuse, you may have to face the honest truth which may be a personal short-coming. This isn't hard and fast...there are times when tact and manners are important but in my own life, the stories I make up and the excuses I create are typically to cover some personal insecurity. "I don't have time" is an excuse for "It's not a priority" or "Rearranging is too much work" OR PROBABLY "I'd have to ask for help and I don't want to because that would give the impression that I am weak and cannot do it all and I may actually be human". And while I'm turning the magnifying glass on myself, I'm also going to dare to say this - the phrase "I'm sorry" has been misused in our world for far too long. "I'm sorry" should not be a self-inflicted wound. It should not be a phrase to explain our human-ness or our woman-ness or our feelings. It shouldn't be a crutch for becoming upset or saying our truth. What it SHOULD be is the gateway to conversation - "I'm sorry I said XYZ in that moment. I was coming from a place of deep insecurity and I took it out on you. I apologize to you for my actions but I'm SORRY for myself - I have a wound and I need help healing". "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" are two very different phrases. "I'm sorry" is inactive. It is a wallowing, pitiful, dark space of dispair and hopelessness. "I apologize" is active. It is forward moving and thinking and motivating.
I have plenty of insecurities still. 140 pounds later, I'm still typically the largest person in yoga class. In photos, I am not tiny. But my size does not define me and my insecurities are no one else's business. I surround myself with supportive friends who love me regardless of size, regardless of status, regardless of history. Who recognize that as humans, we stumble and mis-step and make mistakes but we also rise above and take care of each other when we notice someone needs it. I recognize insecurities and faults in my tribe and rather than pointing them out, I pray for the healing of the individual and the self-awareness to rise above. I love my friends for the humans they are - faults and cracks and quirks and all. That's what makes them who they are and if I haven't abandoned them for showing that real-ness by now, I'm not going anywhere.
Whew. Yes, I've drank the Kool-Aid that is Hollis Co. and Rise and Rise Together and Girl Wash Your Face. I highly recommend it all.
